After five years and countless hours of preparing, talking and reading, I still feel like I’m wingin’ it most of the time. I take it as it comes and prepare as best I can. This has served me well, until I get blindsided. Then, all preparation is out the window and the seatbelt gets fastened. To celebrate our five year milestone, I’m going to let you in on some stuff that I still ain’t got figured out.

Plenty of folks write about the things they know. I thought y’all would pass right on past that because you too have learned lessons and become smart from learning things the hard way. Not many people share publicly what they don’t know. Since I live pretty transparently, I’m completely comfortable sharing with you that there is a LOT I don’t know. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize how very much that I lack in the smarts department.

In my world of boys, I have learned plenty, but I’m still seeking answers for some of these biggies:

• Who gets their haircut and can I come in? Seems straightforward to most. You walk in and give your name, wait for a chair to come open, sit down and hold your breath. When you’re a step-mom, it can get complicated. Can he decide for himself what to get done? Why does she keep telling him he looks like me?  Will his mom get mad because I took him instead of Dave?
• Who is packing your lunch? I am the oldest of three girls so I, by default, did a lot of household helping and directing for my siblings. Dave is still packing lunches because, (first) he’s amazing, and second, because he enjoys loving on all three knuckleheads like that. He still packs #3’s lunch for school. I’m standing by watching and wondering if Dave’s going to follow him to college. I play it all out. Always. I feel mean like that.
• When I go in for the hug and kiss goodnight, can I hold on when I want to? I love big. (bigly for those who believe that’s a word) I give love with no apology and I fell in love with my three step-sons a long time ago. Sometimes I miss them terribly and am aching to hug them and let them know how much I care for them. I’m still weird about the embrace with them. If I go all the way and be me and it doesn’t get returned, I feel rejected. When they come back to us and they haven’t missed me, it hurts. Can I hold on when I miss them and finally have them back? More importantly, when do I hold on and when do I let go?  I am 100% positive that my brave face will melt into full on meltdown when they each leave our nest.
• Can I shut down the noise?! I was a single girl with no internet and no cable TV when Dave entered my world. I was perfectly happy with a drawer full of old DVDs and my dinner of Perrier and sushi. Then, boys. Three of them. And the noise hasn’t stopped since. Can I throw a shoe at the X-box and shatter it? Is it legal to shoot a Playstation?  I need more quiet.
• Is it MY social media brag? I’m sure it’s not exaggeration that I have been to 7,000 ballgames a year for the past five years. Pretty sure that’s an accurate count. When I’m not attending a ballgame, I am hearing conversation about ballgames. So let’s not find it odd when I’m a little proud that my little athlete is makin’ shots and turning heads. David loves his boys and loves to brag about them like a proper 1^st world parent by posting their achievements to the socials. What about the step-mom? Like the biggies?  Can I put that up?  I know folks saw the Dave do it, so I’m kinda an echo like that. But my heart wants to brag about my little baller too.

These are some shallow examples. Nevermind the stuff I’m working through about teenage attitudes and…..smells…….just know, there are boys and then a tribe of boys and then….the smell that follows them.

Needless to say, I’m still learning after five years. I’m not as far along as I thought I would be, but I am sooooo much stronger than when I began. I cannot wait to see what and who they become in the next five years. The wonderful and anchoring truth of my life is that when I don’t know, I have a Source that does. When I’m breathless with hurt and confused by a look, I quietly process the experience with my Jesus. I can’t imagine living this life without Him.

If you have some pointers to my questions, feel free to comment on this post. If you need direction from the things I’ve learned, I’m an open book. If you’d like to be introduced to my Source of help, Jesus Christ, you can find Him here: https://peacewithgod.net

Thanks for reading!

~Hope