At this point in the year, exactly ten years ago, I was headed toward the most chaotic and tumultuous time in my life. I remember feeling uneasiness, but I don’t think I could have predicted exactly what was coming. Had I known, I likely would have curled up in a little ball and just laid down in the floor until it all passed. Thankfully, we aren’t able to see those trains of life that are headed straight toward us. Here’s a very brief snapshot of what was headed my way in 2011, beginning in early March:

1. My first wife told me she wanted to separate and decided to move out of the home that we had shared for 11 of our 13 years of marriage. She moved out several weeks later.
2. I went from seeing my sons (then ages 3, 5, and 8) every day to seeing them 3-4 days a week. 
3. In the fall of 2011, when it was obvious that my marriage was not going to be repaired, the church that I was serving at as associate pastor asked me to step down from the position.
4. No longer able to afford the payments, the home that I was living in went into foreclosure. 
5. I started a new job in Charlotte in December of 2011, which was a blessing. But living where I lived at the time, the round trip commute was 140 miles a day when I didn’t have my boys. When my boys were with me, because of child care and school, the commute was 160 miles a day. 

I value stability and peace in my life. I don’t necessarily run from change, but I don’t initiate it. Most of the time, my thinking is “if it’s working, why change it?” So when change of this magnitude comes my way, it brings a level of discomfort that I definitely don’t embrace. In the case of David, Version 1.0 from 2011, I hadn’t prepared myself for dealing with this chaos because I had spent too much of the previous season of my life in a state of fear. Afraid of what you might ask? I was afraid of a lot of things. I knew that my marriage wasn’t in a great place, but looking back, it never was. Not even from the beginning. I think that I had been living in it for so long that I didn’t realize how “not great” it was. Especially now that I’m nearly 8 years into a happy, fulfilling and stable second marriage. My fear was rooted in all of the things that would happen if it didn’t work out, because as 2009 and 2010 went on, things were getting worse, not better. My life was a dichotomy: on one side my mind would say “things will be fine, this is how things have been from the start” and on the other side it would say “if this keeps heading in this direction, it is going to be BAD.” I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep things together and on the right track that I hadn’t fortified myself to be ready when things fell apart. I hadn’t prepared the fields of my life for the seeds of peace. What does that mean? I’m about to explain. 

These 10 years have passed with a speed that I didn’t anticipate. However, I can see that the mindset that I chose to live my life by has resulted in a harvest of peace in my life that I honestly didn’t think was possible. After getting through the hurt and pain of the separation and divorce, I began to see that peace was actually something I could obtain in my life. And I began to realize that it wasn’t conditional based on the people in my life. I realized that God had intended for me to live in peace no matter my circumstances. This peace was not going to come because everyone else in my life had decided to be decent human beings. It wasn’t going to come because of an absence of conflict, chaos or drama. It was going to come if I made a conscious decision to live above the conflict, chaos and drama. The thing is, it all started with changes inside of me, not everyone else. Read this scripture below to see how to plant the seeds of peace in your life.  

James 3: 14-18 says “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. ” 

Planting seeds doesn’t result in an immediate harvest. You don’t put seeds in the ground one day and walk outside the next to see a garden full of vegetables. You have to fertilize, water, and tend to those seeds. The same thing applies to the seeds of peace in your life. The fertilizer and water come in the form of forgiveness of those who hurt you (and who may continue to hurt you) and removing jealousy and selfishness from your life. Recognizing what the sources of fear are in your life and attacking them head on. Tending to the seeds of peace in your life means making sure the weeds don’t overtake them. The weeds of lingering bitterness and fear can establish strong root systems if you aren’t vigilant to remove them from your life. This prevents you from harvesting peace in your life.  

This mindset has helped me deal with the pressures and stress of being at the center of a blended family and co-parenting with the mother of my three children. I often tell people that  my position in this life, being the fulcrum between my home and the other one that my boys live in the other half of their lives, as being the CEO of the most dysfunctional organization you can imagine. An organization where loyalties, past hurts, and preferences threaten to derail the train at any given moment. Your marriage, home and children cannot reach their potential while you are sowing discord and giving in to the temptation to “win” all of the time. This does not mean that you have to be a doormat and always give in. What it means is that even when you are in the middle of conflict, you stay above the fight. You intentionally keep it from being personal. You can disagree while acknowledging the value of the other person and their side of the conflict. When you establish this pattern with those around you, you have successfully planted the seeds of peace.  

The biggest challenge to this mindset is that it TAKES TIME to reap the harvest. The potential peace isn’t immediate, so it is easier to stay where you are and not do the work. If you choose to just remain in the stagnant patterns of disorder, you will never be able to experience true peace. Much, if not all of the time, the disorder is rooted in some kind of fear. You will keep marching from battle to battle, growing more weary and more frustrated each time your boots hit the ground. Those patterns of disorder and discord will mean that you will lose the war even though you have won some battles here and there. In my experiences, winning those individual battles might feel good for a moment or two, but it never results in lasting peace. Lasting peace is only obtained by preparing the ground, planting the seeds of peace, and caring for them as you get closer to the harvest.