Author: Hope and Dave

Mile Marker 52.4

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

One year ago, May 14th, 2023, our lives changed in an instant. We had been camping that weekend north of Huntersville, and after breaking camp that morning, we drove to Salisbury to spend Mother’s Day with Hope’s parents. We were on our way home to Gastonia on I-85 South. At around 3pm, a distracted driver (yes, in another Jeep) slammed into the back of our Jeep and sent us into the concrete median at about 70mph. According to the police report, we slid 330 feet before coming to a stop. We stopped sliding right at the sign for mile marker 52.4. The end of that slide started a chain of events that has challenged both Hope and I, but in so many ways, it has also built our faith. A trucker’s dash cam captured the accident, you can view that below.

Before I dig into some of the ways that God has worked through this wreck, there are a couple of details that we need to unpack. As the smoke and airbag dust cleared, and once I heard her voice saying “I think I’m ok! I think I’m ok!”, I told Hope that we needed to get out of the Jeep as quick as possible. I was concerned about it catching fire because of how serious the impact was. It was obvious that Hope was hurt worse than I was, I actually had seen the impact coming about a second before we were hit, which allowed me to brace myself using the steering wheel as leverage as we slammed into the concrete. Hope didn’t have the luxury of being able to prepare, she was still trying to reach for something to hold on to as we slid into the median. The camping equipment that I had strapped to the top of the Jeep was hanging down over Hope’s door because one of the roof racks broke with the impact. Meaning that she would have to climb over the console to get out of the Jeep. As she tried to climb over the console, the pain from her injuries (which turned out to be a cracked sternum, cracked vertebrae, and concussion) began to kick in. In tremendous pain, she managed to climb across. I helped her out of the Jeep and down to the concrete. She laid there on I-85 as we tried to wrap our minds around what had just happened. The other driver was still sitting in her Jeep and hadn’t moved. Thankfully, the traffic behind us had slowed and was moving to the lanes opposite the median.

Immediately, people began to appear around us. I had somehow lost my grip on time in those moments, but it seemed like in an instant, there were people kneeling down beside Hope assessing her injuries. I honestly thought at first that maybe they were first responders. There were three young people, all of them appeared to be under the age of 25, who stopped and began to work on her. They all appeared to have some kind of medical training, and they were such a comfort in the minutes between the wreck and when the actual first responders arrived. In the midst of this chaos, I looked into the background and saw an older couple standing off to the side, both of them wearing church clothes. Turns out they were right behind us when the accident happened. The wife told me later that when it happened, she looked at her husband and said “that’s our assignment for today.” This couple was such a comfort to us as they sent us messages of encouragement and also let us know that their prayer team at church was hard at work praying for us in the aftermath of the wreck.

The days and months that followed were not easy to navigate. Hope’s injuries were extensive, so the physical healing took time. Things for her could have been so much worse, but the concussion was probably the most challenging and took the longest to recover from. On the insurance side, the other driver’s insurance company has been a royal pain to deal with, concerned more about their bottom line than doing what is right. We’re still dealing with lawyers 12 months after the wreck, and there doesn’t appear to be any end in sight. One thing that I didn’t take into account was the mental healing process that comes from experiencing trauma like that. The night of the accident, I had to drive right past the crash scene to get home to get Hope some things. The driver’s side fenders from my Jeep were still laying on the shoulder of I-85. We drive right past the crash scene every time we come back from visiting Hope’s parents. In the months close to the wreck, you could still see the impact marks from our Jeep on the median. And the skid marks were visible for months as well, serving as a reminder of how close we came to tragedy. Our blood pressure still rises when we’re driving on the interstate. A month after the wreck, I nearly had a full blown panic attack while driving home from a trip.

It’s difficult to process how someone else’s bad decision can affect you. But I can tell you this without a shadow of a doubt: we have seen God’s hand move in so many ways through this experience. The people in our lives rallied around us. Our families, folks from work, neighbors, and friends provided support that we didn’t even know we needed. And our church… We felt so much love from our Union Road family. Prayers, text messages, phone calls, food and support that helped us walk this journey. Our faith has been strengthened in ways that it never would have if this hadn’t happened to us. The trajectory of our lives was altered, it has resulted in so many positive things. Things that never would have happened had we not experienced this. It proves the principles of Romans 8:28, that even bad circumstances can result in good if we trust God’s hand. Sometimes that isn’t easy to do when there are so many questions, but when you look back it is clear to see. For that, we have no choice but to be thankful.

Year 10 

/ Hope and Dave / 2 Comments

As with the life, we arrived at year ten with in a blur and sliding in sideways. It appeared on the horizon a while back and I made a mental note of gifts to buy, photos to schedule, and cards to share. It’s the eve of the big night and I am sitting at an airport gate with horrible coffee and slow jazz, fighting a migraine.

On this night, ten years ago, a baby shower was thrown for me by my family. A basket with items appropriate for three boys filled to the brim, introduced me to what laid directly ahead. All of them knew what I was jumping into. I did not.

When David and I fell in love, we fell hard. I didn’t see anything, or anyone else. It was like what we had discovered was a secret recipe that no one else understood and had superpowers. We could finish one another’s sentences and knew what each other were thinking pretty quickly. Further confirmation that all was right and we were meant to do this life, together. So, on May 4, 2013, we made vows in front of God – and three little boys.

Today, those boys are 21, 18, and 15. For ten years, these boys have of watched us live out those promises. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. For ten years, I’ve lived as a childless step-mother to these boys and become a woman I would have never become, without them. 

I’ve considered so many things I could share here on this milestone. I think the most helpful – and less boring – to you, might be the top 10. So, here we go…

Top Ten Tips

  1. Pay attention to how your step-children feel about the marriage, and the wedding. This will likely not change after the wedding dust settles. For better, or for worse. What was a dream come true for you, may be a nightmare for them. To avoid conflict before it begins, this needs to be settled.
  2. Everyone has role in the family. Be intentional to give each member of the family a voice and ultimately, responsibility is on dad to determine the health and happiness of the family. Check in with each person from time to time to give air to grievances, anxiety, joy, and small victories. 
  3. Don’t lose you. I’ve failed at this. In my excitement, and best intentions, I have neglected having gal-pal weekend trips, girls night out, standing brunch dates, and local adventures. I feel this deeply after ten years and have determined that’s an area that I need to nurture. Without paying attention, I feel I’ve lost an element of fun and adventure and need to plug back into this side of my personality. 
  4. Have fun! I cannot overstate the importance of humor and fun in a family dynamic. Boredom causes all sorts of problems and can usually be cured with intentional planning and small effort. Laugh with your partner and remember your “Why.” This will save your marriage more than most anything else. If you need tips on how to walk this one out, ask me.
  5. You are not creating or re-creating a biological family. Even if you are answer to prayer at the end of a long and painful journey, there was a story before you. The psychological, emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage from that origin has now made its way into your life. This point is painful. For a woman who is grieving, this can cause a stomach flip and shortness of breath. Make sure your partner walks this one out with you. He should be part of this hurt with you. He should understand your tears. If he doesn’t care, or understand, question this. Your partner should love you well in this area. Create ways to make your own mark and have your own influence in the lives that you are stewarding. Trust me, small investments – and more importantly – living with consistent character, impacts the lives of these little people. You will have your day, mom.
  6. Own your tribe. Competition is toxic to a human. Especially small humans. They are watching your comfort level so when you are rejecting your family and their role in it, they feel every bit of it. Take pride in your role as dad’s wife and enjoy supporting these kids in their clubs, sports, and whatever their hobbies are. If they game online, take interest and ask them to show you their game. Sit down on the bed next to them and ask about the strategy and try to learn their why. They’re probably not like you, so learn them. Adults rarely enter a child’s world apart from criticizing or critiquing them. When you take time, they notice. One last point on this…SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND. You are his champion. So champion him!
  7. Family rules are made together, and enforced by bio-parent. We have created rules and systems, and failed miserably in this area. We started strong and every year tried to develop some type of chores/reward pattern that would teach them responsibility and grow them into men of character. I am laughing as I type this because they became this in spite of chores or work. We show them respect by valuing their voice and they show us respect by honoring our leadership. I let the frustration and pressure of parenting go when I realized that our inconsistent enforcement of these systems were not harming or helping these boys. Time will take care of how well the boy’s dad followed through or failed to do so. (And prove whether he should’ve listened to me or not :))
  8. Physical space is important. You need a place to escape. Create a place in your home where you find safety, solitude, and serenity when the waves hit. I dreamed of having white carpet and white leather furniture. That will not happen in this lifetime. When the last boy is grown and raised, it will be time for grandchildren. I let that go many years ago. So, I have a very girly corner in our room – yes, my sports fanatic husband had to concede to this one. It has beautiful bottles of perfume and pretty containers of girly things. This is a visual that not all of my life is given to testosterone. 
  9. Fight fair. Words hurt or they heal. This is for all of us. Regardless of family ingredients. It took many years, but I finally raised my voice in an argument and when I did, it shook me. I had denied myself the right to be angry for so long, that I had built up resentment. It all came out in a car ride when a very small topic, exploded from within me. That was not fair to Dave. Over time, I’ve learned that feelings lie, but they do need to be acknowledged. The thoughts that accompany my feelings tell me that this was all a mistake and I’ve made promises I’ll never be able to keep. But one whisper from the voice of the Holy Spirit reminds me that all of this is much bigger than this temporary moment. David taught me that when we have a bad moment, it does not equate to a bad marriage. Plus, you have eyes and ears watching you how this is done in their own life.
  10. Not every hill is the one to die on. Evaluate your demands and requests with honesty and truly measure where they land on the larger scale. If your “thing” is the dishwasher, or making beds, or leaving clothes laying around – communicate that. If your “thing” is talking back, being ignored, or stealing – communicate that. You need to use your words, in a responsible way, to tell your family why this is important to you. They will likely respect this more if they understand why you are triggered by this behavior. If you keep taking hills in your family, this will be a lonely existence for you.

All of these items have been learned, mostly the hard way. Some have come instinctively and I’ve learned by watching some of my fellow S’moms learn the hard way. Either way, know that you’re not alone and there are moments we understand that likely few others in your life do. Your crown will come in the least expected moments.

Lastly, if you try to do this life without an anchor, you will get tossed around and may capsize – or sink. My relationship with Christ has been the single most stabilizing factor in this past decade. When work has rejected, the kids have misunderstood, Dave has dismissed, and my friends disconnected, I run into His presence and find identity and peace. Without having this, I could not endure. If you need to know how to do this, I’d love to share.

Planting Peace

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

At this point in the year, exactly ten years ago, I was headed toward the most chaotic and tumultuous time in my life. I remember feeling uneasiness, but I don’t think I could have predicted exactly what was coming. Had I known, I likely would have curled up in a little ball and just laid down in the floor until it all passed. Thankfully, we aren’t able to see those trains of life that are headed straight toward us. Here’s a very brief snapshot of what was headed my way in 2011, beginning in early March:

  1. My first wife told me she wanted to separate and decided to move out of the home that we had shared for 11 of our 13 years of marriage. She moved out several weeks later.
  2. I went from seeing my sons (then ages 3, 5, and 8) every day to seeing them 3-4 days a week. 
  3. In the fall of 2011, when it was obvious that my marriage was not going to be repaired, the church that I was serving at as associate pastor asked me to step down from the position.
  4. No longer able to afford the payments, the home that I was living in went into foreclosure. 
  5. I started a new job in Charlotte in December of 2011, which was a blessing. But living where I lived at the time, the round trip commute was 140 miles a day when I didn’t have my boys. When my boys were with me, because of child care and school, the commute was 160 miles a day. 

I value stability and peace in my life. I don’t necessarily run from change, but I don’t initiate it. Most of the time, my thinking is “if it’s working, why change it?” So when change of this magnitude comes my way, it brings a level of discomfort that I definitely don’t embrace. In the case of David, Version 1.0 from 2011, I hadn’t prepared myself for dealing with this chaos because I had spent too much of the previous season of my life in a state of fear. Afraid of what you might ask? I was afraid of a lot of things. I knew that my marriage wasn’t in a great place, but looking back, it never was. Not even from the beginning. I think that I had been living in it for so long that I didn’t realize how “not great” it was. Especially now that I’m nearly 8 years into a happy, fulfilling and stable second marriage. My fear was rooted in all of the things that would happen if it didn’t work out, because as 2009 and 2010 went on, things were getting worse, not better. My life was a dichotomy: on one side my mind would say “things will be fine, this is how things have been from the start” and on the other side it would say “if this keeps heading in this direction, it is going to be BAD.” I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep things together and on the right track that I hadn’t fortified myself to be ready when things fell apart. I hadn’t prepared the fields of my life for the seeds of peace. What does that mean? I’m about to explain. 

These 10 years have passed with a speed that I didn’t anticipate. However, I can see that the mindset that I chose to live my life by has resulted in a harvest of peace in my life that I honestly didn’t think was possible. After getting through the hurt and pain of the separation and divorce, I began to see that peace was actually something I could obtain in my life. And I began to realize that it wasn’t conditional based on the people in my life. I realized that God had intended for me to live in peace no matter my circumstances. This peace was not going to come because everyone else in my life had decided to be decent human beings. It wasn’t going to come because of an absence of conflict, chaos or drama. It was going to come if I made a conscious decision to live above the conflict, chaos and drama. The thing is, it all started with changes inside of me, not everyone else. Read this scripture below to see how to plant the seeds of peace in your life.  

James 3: 14-18 says “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. ” 

Planting seeds doesn’t result in an immediate harvest. You don’t put seeds in the ground one day and walk outside the next to see a garden full of vegetables. You have to fertilize, water, and tend to those seeds. The same thing applies to the seeds of peace in your life. The fertilizer and water come in the form of forgiveness of those who hurt you (and who may continue to hurt you) and removing jealousy and selfishness from your life. Recognizing what the sources of fear are in your life and attacking them head on. Tending to the seeds of peace in your life means making sure the weeds don’t overtake them. The weeds of lingering bitterness and fear can establish strong root systems if you aren’t vigilant to remove them from your life. This prevents you from harvesting peace in your life.  

This mindset has helped me deal with the pressures and stress of being at the center of a blended family and co-parenting with the mother of my three children. I often tell people that  my position in this life, being the fulcrum between my home and the other one that my boys live in the other half of their lives, as being the CEO of the most dysfunctional organization you can imagine. An organization where loyalties, past hurts, and preferences threaten to derail the train at any given moment. Your marriage, home and children cannot reach their potential while you are sowing discord and giving in to the temptation to “win” all of the time. This does not mean that you have to be a doormat and always give in. What it means is that even when you are in the middle of conflict, you stay above the fight. You intentionally keep it from being personal. You can disagree while acknowledging the value of the other person and their side of the conflict. When you establish this pattern with those around you, you have successfully planted the seeds of peace.  

The biggest challenge to this mindset is that it TAKES TIME to reap the harvest. The potential peace isn’t immediate, so it is easier to stay where you are and not do the work. If you choose to just remain in the stagnant patterns of disorder, you will never be able to experience true peace. Much, if not all of the time, the disorder is rooted in some kind of fear. You will keep marching from battle to battle, growing more weary and more frustrated each time your boots hit the ground. Those patterns of disorder and discord will mean that you will lose the war even though you have won some battles here and there. In my experiences, winning those individual battles might feel good for a moment or two, but it never results in lasting peace. Lasting peace is only obtained by preparing the ground, planting the seeds of peace, and caring for them as you get closer to the harvest. 

Slow Cooking At High Speed

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

giphy-2.gif

“Life Comes At You Fast.”

 

This was the key phrase in a Nationwide Insurance advertising campaign that first debuted in the mid-2000s. The messaging was intended to remind the viewer that you just never know what is around the corner in this life, so be prepared with a great insurance company. (One of my favorites in this campaign is this one featuring MC Hammer and his 15 minutes of fame.)

 

The commercial that had a bigger impact on me was this one, where Dad is pushing his little boy in the tree swing, only to have his son transform instantly into a teenager. He crashes into Dad, knocking him down, and the tag line “Life Comes At You Fast” appears on the screen. When this commercial came out, I was the father of a four-year-old and a one-year-old. My youngest son hadn’t even been born yet. This commercial was a great reminder of how fast life flies by, before you know it, your children are adults. On the first day of the school year, Hope posted about the special season that we are in. She wrote: “I can sense that we have crossed a significant bridge and things have hit a new speed from here on out.”

 

It hit me that we have entered the latter phases of the season that we talked about and prayed about when we were dating and first married. Thanks to some great advice from some blended family experts, we’ve always viewed the process of blending our family together like slow cooking in a crock pot. This has been our mantra from the time that Hope and I realized that we were heading toward marriage. Many blended families, if not the majority, make the mistake of putting their families in a pressure cooker and trying to force everything to happen. When that is the mindset, there isn’t time for anyone to adjust, they’re just supposed to accept how things are and do the best they can to make it work. The slow-cooking mindset allows for failure, forgiveness, recovery, and redirection. One of the things that we constantly reminded ourselves early on is that it normally takes 5-7 years after remarriage for the family unit to find that “new normal.”

 

Somehow, we are already smack in the middle of that time period. In May of next year, we will have been married for 7 years. About a month after our anniversary, my oldest son will be graduating high school. Life will change quite a bit, but not as much as it changed for us in the couple of years leading up to our marriage. That provides a sense of peace as life continues at this breakneck speed. When my first marriage ended, I was faced with the reality that my sons were going to spend half of their boyhood and teen years with their mom and away from me, further accelerating the speed at which life passes. Half the time, twice the speed.

 

In my younger years, a mistake that I made quite often was trying to force things to happen before it was time. That caused quite a bit of heartache and frustration for me, and also caused me to point fingers at other people instead of looking inside of myself. When Hope and I married, I knew without a doubt that if I reverted back to that mindset and tried to force our family into this new normal before it was time, I would end up exactly where I did before. There was too much at stake for all of us for that to happen. We had to figure out how to slow cook at high speed. It seems to make no sense at all that the way to make all of this work is to cook slowly, when everything is moving so fast. But that is the only way to make it work. Letting go. Praying. Forgiving. Learning. And letting go some more, because life comes at you fast.

Today is the first day of the rest of their life…

/ Hope and Dave / 1 Comment

Today was a biggie. The oldest started his senior year of high school.  Number two began his freshman year and number three became a middle-schooler.  I can sense that we have crossed a significant bridge and things have hit a new speed from here on out. I’d like to share this event from the perspective of the step-mom.

BAD53EED-031A-4479-9FA0-22DCED499327
Leading up to this morning, we were all speculating how it would feel. All through the summer I’ve had moments where I would smile internally (and sometimes let a tear of contentment leak out) as I realized next summer may be completely different. We will have one who leaves the nest and heads off to college, perhaps before we take another family vacation. The reservation for five will become four and things will feel very different. I’ve also begun to prepare for what happens after the season of raising them. When it is time for them to make their own decisions and have the liberty to choose where they spend their time and with whom.
I’ve learned a lot in the past few years about what I can expect and what I can let go of. God has given me a ton of grace to release ownership at all and understand that these boys have two parents and I am not one of them. Although the responsibility and cost is equal, the benefit of loyalty and pride belong to the biologicals. It doesn’t sting like it used to, and now that time has brought clarity, I have a peace about this fact. The reality can still blindside me at times, however, what has emerged, is the truth that I am impacting their lives in a significant way that even they cannot see.
Last night, we circled up in the living room after a great family time around the table. We held hands in a circle and waited for their father to pray for and over them for the coming school year. One by one, I laid my hands on them and prayed what the Lord laid on my heart to pray. As my spirit connected with their Creator on their behalf, I felt a release of promise and blessing. In the holy moments following that prayer time, I settled into a quiet understanding that these are the moments that are given to me to steward. These eternal moments of sowing into the fabric of their spirit, I get to play a part in their shaping that we can’t quite get our heads around.
I ache in a deep deep way for the unquestioned loyalty that a child gives their parent. I ache for the unconditional acceptance that a child willingly gives their father and mother. I cry for the hesitation I can still feel when they hug me sometimes.  I long for a day when I don’t feel the guilt for many unspoken resentments that come with blended life.  But moments like last night, when I can pronounce the things of heaven over the life of these children, go a long way to bring perspective and healing.
I love the children in my life and today has reminded me that although these babies (including nieces and nephews) may not carry my physical DNA, I can pray that one day they will carry my spiritual DNA.  I believe that their destiny will be fuller because their Hopey has prayed.
Happy New (School) Year!

What I Don’t Know

/ Hope and Dave / 1 Comment

After five years and countless hours of preparing, talking and reading, I still feel like I’m wingin’ it most of the time. I take it as it comes and prepare as best I can. This has served me well, until I get blindsided. Then, all preparation is out the window and the seatbelt gets fastened. To celebrate our five year milestone, I’m going to let you in on some stuff that I still ain’t got figured out.

Plenty of folks write about the things they know. I thought y’all would pass right on past that because you too have learned lessons and become smart from learning things the hard way. Not many people share publicly what they don’t know. Since I live pretty transparently, I’m completely comfortable sharing with you that there is a LOT I don’t know. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize how very much that I lack in the smarts department.

In my world of boys, I have learned plenty, but I’m still seeking answers for some of these biggies:

  • Who gets their haircut and can I come in? Seems straightforward to most. You walk in and give your name, wait for a chair to come open, sit down and hold your breath. When you’re a step-mom, it can get complicated. Can he decide for himself what to get done? Why does she keep telling him he looks like me?  Will his mom get mad because I took him instead of Dave?
  • Who is packing your lunch? I am the oldest of three girls so I, by default, did a lot of household helping and directing for my siblings. Dave is still packing lunches because, (first) he’s amazing, and second, because he enjoys loving on all three knuckleheads like that. He still packs #3’s lunch for school. I’m standing by watching and wondering if Dave’s going to follow him to college. I play it all out. Always. I feel mean like that.
  • When I go in for the hug and kiss goodnight, can I hold on when I want to? I love big. (bigly for those who believe that’s a word) I give love with no apology and I fell in love with my three step-sons a long time ago. Sometimes I miss them terribly and am aching to hug them and let them know how much I care for them. I’m still weird about the embrace with them. If I go all the way and be me and it doesn’t get returned, I feel rejected. When they come back to us and they haven’t missed me, it hurts. Can I hold on when I miss them and finally have them back? More importantly, when do I hold on and when do I let go?  I am 100% positive that my brave face will melt into full on meltdown when they each leave our nest.
  • Can I shut down the noise?! I was a single girl with no internet and no cable TV when Dave entered my world. I was perfectly happy with a drawer full of old DVDs and my dinner of Perrier and sushi. Then, boys. Three of them. And the noise hasn’t stopped since. Can I throw a shoe at the X-box and shatter it? Is it legal to shoot a Playstation?  I need more quiet.
  • Is it MY social media brag? I’m sure it’s not exaggeration that I have been to 7,000 ballgames a year for the past five years. Pretty sure that’s an accurate count. When I’m not attending a ballgame, I am hearing conversation about ballgames. So let’s not find it odd when I’m a little proud that my little athlete is makin’ shots and turning heads. David loves his boys and loves to brag about them like a proper 1st world parent by posting their achievements to the socials. What about the step-mom? Like the biggies?  Can I put that up?  I know folks saw the Dave do it, so I’m kinda an echo like that. But my heart wants to brag about my little baller too.

These are some shallow examples. Nevermind the stuff I’m working through about teenage attitudes and…..smells…….just know, there are boys and then a tribe of boys and then….the smell that follows them.

Needless to say, I’m still learning after five years. I’m not as far along as I thought I would be, but I am sooooo much stronger than when I began. I cannot wait to see what and who they become in the next five years. The wonderful and anchoring truth of my life is that when I don’t know, I have a Source that does. When I’m breathless with hurt and confused by a look, I quietly process the experience with my Jesus. I can’t imagine living this life without Him.

If you have some pointers to my questions, feel free to comment on this post. If you need direction from the things I’ve learned, I’m an open book. If you’d like to be introduced to my Source of help, Jesus Christ, you can find Him here: https://peacewithgod.net

Thanks for reading!

~Hope

What Every Divorced Parent Needs to Know Before Remarriage

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Last month, Hope wrote a blog post about the first time she met my boys, and the subsequent journey that followed. I’ll never forget that day, it was filled with expectation and excitement, as well as some nervousness on my part. I watched as my boys met the woman who would end up becoming their stepmother. We didn’t know that would be the case at the time, but nonetheless, I wanted this first meeting to go well both for her and the boys. This was a meeting that Hope and I had discussed at length in the previous three months, deciding to wait until we knew there was something serious about our relationship before introducing the boys into the dynamic. I often tell people that I knew I was falling for Hope in the months leading up to this meeting, but the day she met my boys was the day I knew it was a forever kind of love. The following weekend cemented this for me. Allow me to explain…

She met the boys on Sunday, October 6th. About midway through the following Friday, October 12th, I received a call from my brother. He explained to me that our mother was getting ready to have emergency surgery to amputate her leg below the knee. From the tone in his voice, it was evident that I needed to make plans to get there. With my custody arrangement at the time the boys were with me every Friday through Monday. This meant that the boys would also be making the trip from North Carolina to West Virginia. I picked up the phone, called Hope to let her know what was going on, and asked her if she wanted to go. She didn’t hesitate (at least verbally). Yes, she would be going on this unplanned trip, both of us heading into a situation that was uncertain. With three boys that she had met only one week prior. Before we departed, with all three boys strapped in the back seat of my Nissan Xterra, I looked at Hope and said “You ready for this?” I was halfway joking, halfway not. In some way, I believe I was also asking for the long term, because I knew that how this weekend went would reveal some things about how things would go in the future.  The pictures below this paragraph are from that weekend. The boys asleep on the way there, then spending time with Hope while I was at the hospital with my mom.

IMG_3722

To direct this back to the point of this post, there is one thing that every divorced parent needs to determine before considering remarriage. You get a glimpse of someone’s character when they are placed under pressure or in an unfamiliar situation. That is exactly where Hope found herself on that weekend in October of 2012. She was with three boys that she had only met one other time. Three boys whose grandmother was in a very bad place with regards to her physical health. She was in a place she had never been. She had never met my Dad, yet she would be spending the weekend at his house without me around for the majority of that time, as I was at the hospital with my mom before and after the surgery. (My parents had divorced years ago but still lived in the same geographic area.) Hope displayed an amazing amount of poise and patience as we navigated that weekend. How that weekend played out was no surprise to me, I had seen her character long before we ended up on that unexpected trip. It did confirm that there was an obvious ability on her part to be along for the roller coaster ride that comes when you sign on to be the stepmother to three boys.

To provide some perspective, it is essential to rewind to an earlier time. I can’t type this blog from the perspective of an expert without sharing my failures. Before Hope and I met, I was in a relationship for about 6 months that was becoming serious. This relationship was moving along with no major issues until the children became a bigger part of it. As that happened, things began to surface that made me come to a point of decision. Despite my compatibility with her, I had complete peace when I decided to end that relationship, because I could tell that those things that surfaced were a sign of much bigger things to come.

What I learned from both scenarios is that as a divorced parent, when it is time to introduce the children into your new relationship, take special care with the hearts of those young ones that have been entrusted to you. It is one thing for your romantic interest to be compatible with you, but a completely different thing altogether for them to be compatible with you and your children. You must seek wisdom to see the things about that other person that could be detrimental to the raising of a child. If you’re still in the “warm and fuzzy” phase, the temptation is to try to explain or rationalize those things away by saying “it will all be fine once we’re a family.” Or “as the kids get older these issues will go away.” To be blunt (and to use a great hillbilly term), that is hogwash. Those issues that you see will only be magnified when placed into the crucible of a stepfamily. They will only get worse as you deal with the home of the other bio-parent and those weaknesses are exposed. Trust me, you’re better off walking away when you sense those things. They will not go away. The direction of your child’s life depends directly on the kind of person you choose to bring into their lives as a step-parent. There is no way to avoid this.

You must also seek wisdom to see the things about your romantic interest that are positive when it comes to raising children. It is a must, an absolute must, to talk about parenting styles before things get too serious. This is a good way to gauge their impact on the lives of your children. To succeed, you have to be on the same page about this before you even consider talking about marriage. You don’t need to seek perfection in that other person or perfection in your relationship. What you do need to seek is how to effectively resolve conflict between the two of you that involves the children. What you do need to do is to play out some difficult scenarios that could come up and see how the two of you would handle those situations. No, that doesn’t make for lovey-dovey dating conversation, but it is necessary if you even have remote thoughts of walking down the aisle with that person someday.

Our journey continues with its ups and downs, and I’ve learned numerous things along the way. One of my greatest joys is knowing that the trajectory of the lives of my three boys has been affected in a positive way because Hope has been along for this crazy ride. I can look back know and remember the things we considered when we were dating. We had no clue what we were getting into, and we knew we were going to get dirty. Just like any other blended family, we’ve had our fair share of tough days, but we’ve had plenty of amazing days to cherish. It is worth it all to be able to look at the lives of three young men and know that we considered their hearts long before this journey began.

 

 

Number 1, 2 & 3 in Five

/ Hope and Dave / 1 Comment

A post by Hope

I saw this really cool sign one time at a store that said “All love stories are beautiful, but ours is my favorite.” It’s true for me. I love how my love story began. Today marks the beginning of the love story between me and my three step-sons. Five years ago today, I met them for the first time. It was unexpected and impromptu, of course. Following careful planning about how we’d orchestrate this moment, Dave and I ended up throwing caution to the wind and I met them a week earlier than planned. God knew that the day that we had planned the following weekend would be forever etched into time due to an emergency. So, a lazy Sunday afternoon in October, I headed North and shook hands with 10 year old Julian, 7 year old Isaac and 4 year old Nathan (who took off running in the opposite direction instead of shaking my hand). I didn’t flinch. He was beside me in the wagon a few hours later.

When the day came, I was so excited and it felt natural. What didn’t feel natural was what my life looked like after the wedding was over and the boxes were unpacked in our new rental home. When the dust settled, the blending began and the impact of my decision to jump off the cliff hand in hand with my love hit me. This wasn’t going to be as easy as falling in love. The book The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal was as important to our marriage as the Bible in the beginning. It gave us a guide to gauge how we were navigating the emotions, the decisions and the development as we became a family. According to blended family experts, the process of becoming a family unit usually takes between 5-7 years. It varies greatly depending on circumstances. In my opinion, it feels like it’s going to take a lifetime! We were told “it’s all normal” but nothing about selflessness feels normal. I wanted to fight for my rights and feel sorry for myself and all my sacrifice when I hit a wall of conflict or confusion. I still battle that sometimes. But grace. Somehow, today we’ve arrived at five years. One day at a time and one big decision to stay. Multiple hurt feelings, countless tears and a few sleepless nights have brought us to this milestone. I’d love to talk about my husband and what a hero he has been, but instead, today, I want to celebrate those three little boys. They aren’t so little anymore. Can I talk to you about them?

SAMSUNG

I’d love to tell you that when I fell for Dave, that I fell for his sons at the same rate and time, but that’s not the truth. I didn’t. I couldn’t. After living through infertility, I was already cautious about giving my heart to someone else’s children. They were cautious about this new woman beside daddy in the place that their mom once lived. All four of us approached with understandable caution. But one shared experience at a time, we began to trust. I cried a lot, talked a lot and “sucked it up” a lot and little by little I began to mature and navigate what it means to have kids in your life. As I continued to show up to every ball game, make desserts, watch for ways to connect and ask questions about them, they sensed my authenticity. They realized that I really did want to come closer. As they began to trust me, I learned to trust them and thus began a beautiful dance of blending hearts and lives. Not every day is a win but not every day is loss either. The reality is that there are a lot of awkward moments. On both sides. We come to a challenge and watch how the other reacts and go from there. There’s a push and a pull and sometimes there’s silence. I have to watch my heart and intent and they watch their mouth. We seem to offer respect to each other and so far have responded to these situations with a great deal of patience. Time has proven that the waves of disappointment, selfishness and conflict pass without breaking us. I never ask more from their hearts than they are willing to freely give and always land on the fact that I am the adult and must protect them as such. My adult feelings and reactions are coming from a much older and experienced perspective so my words and expression must be tempered with the reality that I could damage all that’s been built in a single slip of judgement.

When you love someone, you want to help them live their best life. When that person is a child, that desire to help gets magnified. (Well, that is if you are a healthy adult.) So naturally it can be difficult to keep your opinions and suggestions to yourself when you think parents should be stepping in (or out) of a circumstance. When you are a non-parent, you learn very quickly that biological parents do not respond well to this. Parenting is as intimate as it gets for folks. You can step on their politics, you can step on their social media, you can even step on their religious toes, but don’t you dare question the way they parent. You will reap the whirlwind if approaching  this space without proper care. This doesn’t just apply to blended families, it works this way within a biological family structure. You just try to tell your sister that she “caudles” her son too much….go ahead, I dare you. So what can the observant one do? They can pray, speak life into the child when possible and can live love toward the broken ones. In the meantime, don’t run the risk of destroying relationships by trying to help. Sometimes the best way to respond to this kind of tension is with silence.

The three boys that I get to live with every other week are amazing. Their hearts are pure gold. All three of them. Seriously. They are obedient, they are helpful and they are spunky. They make me laugh, they help me, they accept me and they melt my heart like wax when they tell me they love me. Every single time they say it. I treasure the different ways they tell me. Each of them say it differently. Julian tells me he loves me with a punch in the arm or in the respectful way he speaks to me. He tells me he loves me in the way he engages conversation with me about his life. He says it with a look. Isaac tells me every hello and every goodbye. He tells me with a smile and hug in the kitchen and right before bed with a kiss. Nathan tells me with a barrage of Nerf bullets and a giggle after a photo bomb on my phone. Nathan tells me in the most unexpected moments by phone or text. He gives love the least obvious so I have to look close sometimes, but he’s always genuine when it comes.

To say that I am pleased would be an understatement. I’m thrilled with how we’ve worked through the difficult times. They continue to give and I do too. I understand now that this is a calling and I am to stand my post and pray over them. To cover them as they walk in their generation and culture as men of God. That’s it. I don’t get much of a microphone for big life decisions or direction in their life. My role doesn’t come with loyalty nor does it guarantee acknowledgement or appreciation. Dave turns to me for my input and opinion in most every situation and he says that it has made a difference. Each time my attitude or perspective has outgrown the appropriate boundaries for my role, I crash and burn and have to turn to God and others to recalibrate. Giving more than getting never feels good, but these three guys didn’t ask for this family model so I must be a physical example of a spiritual truth. God works all things together for good according to HIS purpose. I love that God, in His sovereignty, saw fit to cause my path to merge with Julian, Isaac and Nathan’s. They are making me a better woman. They are giving me the opportunity to experience more of God. They are showing me what it means to trust and what it means to learn. Today I celebrate my three young men. Hopefully one day they will understand what they have brought to my broken heart and how very much I love them. Because I get to.

photo jul 17, 12 10 16 pm

A mirror, a seat belt and a spoon

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Posted by Hope

We are well over two-thirds of the way into our crockpot stew of five years for blending family flavors.  We’re often reminded that the passage of time does not remove awkward situations, conflicted feelings and competition for affection.  To our credit, we’ve survived almost four years intact and that’s beating most re-marriage statistics.  It hasn’t been easy, but each day, we both show up for more.

Miracles have happened in the few years since we walked the aisle. Bonafide, real life, miracles.  I have been breathless with fear and breathless with joy.  Step-families aren’t for sissies folks.  There are a LOT of us out there and more on the way according to statistics.  I’m a big fan of promoting health and authenticity in our lives rather than slinking into the background covered with shame.  You are brave because you’ve survived! Be courageous and embrace what you’ve signed on to.  You have the capacity to change the lives of those looking on.

I’d like to suggest three items to pack in your bag for you blending warriors out there:

  1. A mirror.  A glimpse of yourself in just the right moment, can bring perspective that will keep you from saying something you regret.  We tend to see the fault in others much faster than ourselves.  Emotions run high in our closest relationships and can cause reactions that only compound hurt.  Understanding that each of us filter the intentions of others through our past experience, goes a long way to listening better and responding rationally. Suggestion:  Trade your balancing scale for a mirror.
  2. A seat belt.  It has been said, “Seat belts save lives.”  This is true when one decides to remarry.  This is especially true when a remarriage brings children into the mix.  When you made those vows, you went all in.  At least that what those children believe.  You are an example and your options are narrowed to what difference you can make in the life of those coming behind you.  Now you sit down, buckle up and hang on for whatever comes.  Suggestion:  Realize that every time you persist through a hard situation, you earn talking rights.
  3. A spoonful of sugar.  Someone has had to forgive you.  At some point you have hurt someone you love.  Yes, even you have been wrong.  It’s true that we tend to prefer our own path to success, but at some point, we need to stop and ask for help.  When our emotions have led us astray and we have made some poor choices that land us with a lapful of regret, it’s usually the thoughtful words of someone we trust that helps bring healing and perspective.  In a marriage, wouldn’t it be refreshing if that someone were your spouse?  When faced with a conversation that has brought a hard truth or dealt a blow, consider how it feels when you’re the one asking for forgiveness. Consider delivering your response with self control and a spoonful of sugar. Suggestion:  There’s a reason why there are so many scriptures about kind words.

These tools are the three biggies I reach for on a regular rotation.  I like what their regular use is developing in me.  May I offer just a small bit of experience to help you as well.

Carry on brave souls!

 

30% Broke and 70% Whole

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Post by Hope

What percentage is your cutoff? You know, when you decide someone is going to be too much work to put effort into. Insert random facts that are absolutes……but you can’t really put an absolute on a human, can you? We try to. We want to. We commit to stay faithful to a person at the altar, but give it a good 8-10 years and that person you pledged your life to will be very different from the one you exchanged rings with. All of life behaves this way. Covering this globe, human behavior would display the same type of conflict.

As technology has continued to transform the human existence for good and bad, it has made an indelible mark on mankind in one one irreversible way. What Wal-Mart did to the small business owner, social media has done to the human relationship. We have traded conversation for convenience, creativity for quantity, craftsman skill for quick delivery. And haven’t we done it on a practical level as well? Texting has replaced a handwritten letter, the emoji has replaced an actual expression and your friends can be suggested to you.  Remember playing outside until dark and having to strip down at the door because of all the dirt? Remember having to use your imagination to furnish your tree house and swinging from a rope and a used tire?

A very close friend of mine has shared his experiences with church and reasoned with me why he has left church. Not Jesus, but Jesus’ bride. He’s not alone. I speak with folks regularly who share his position. I used to be counted among them. Those who passionately love the Lord and could exegete scripture better than most who occupy the pulpit, but have determined that people are what’s screwing church up.

I asked this question of me tonight as I was considering my own heart and where it stands on this topic. People are messy. I am messy at times. I hurt people. I’ve been hurt by people. If I had to rate myself on the mess scale, I’d say I fall somewhere around a 30% mess. I’ve been at 100% before. I know my big personality can be overwhelming and a lot to take in in large doses. I can pout when I don’t get my way and I can talk myself out of being brave at times.

How about you? Where are you on the mess scale? Does the road rage in the morning commute bleed into the rest of the day and stamp the entire 24 hour experience? How about your wife’s sideways glance when you made a nasty comment? Or when your kid forgets about one more project due tomorrow? How much of your personality percentage has your anger cost?

As we sit back and take it all in, both in the behavior displayed day in and day out and on online, are we making the call that it’s just not worth it to connect? Then, when we find ourselves standing in the long line at a funeral home, shaken with shock and reality, do we inventory what “it’s” all about. Somehow mortality is a level that brings our priorities into order.

What if we took our percentages and brought them together? What if my 30% could add to your 30% and we worked to create a welcoming environment to help a 10% couple heal? While our 70% worked together we picked up a 20%er and another 10%er? It would mean lots of phone calls, texts and enduring long venting sessions. It would also mean we would be forced to grow in how to establish healthy boundaries and execute constructive conflict in conversations. We pay a lot of money to do that for business, can you imagine if we could take that investment into our relationships outside the firm?

There are so many books on this topic and church leaders meet all the time to table this very tragic reality. I think of the commercial https://youtu.be/zlQAyLv1iP8 where the babies are doing the stuff and are blissfully happy about it. Maybe would could take some queues from the kids that we pack into daycare. If you’ve ever watched your child make a new friend, it’s a remarkable lesson in human behavior. They make it look effortless! Okay so you are a little grumpy until lunch. We’ll play this afternoon when I don’t bug you so bad.

Let me invite you to consider your percentage and invitation to seek out a people to add your lack to. You need them and they need you. You have a lot to offer and maybe, just maybe, you can find a friend to help you work through that un-forgiveness with. She probably needs your help with her shopping addiction.

Enjoy the homework friends!