As with the life, we arrived at year ten with in a blur and sliding in sideways. It appeared on the horizon a while back and I made a mental note of gifts to buy, photos to schedule, and cards to share. It’s the eve of the big night and I am sitting at an airport gate with horrible coffee and slow jazz, fighting a migraine.
On this night, ten years ago, a baby shower was thrown for me by my family. A basket with items appropriate for three boys filled to the brim, introduced me to what laid directly ahead. All of them knew what I was jumping into. I did not.
When David and I fell in love, we fell hard. I didn’t see anything, or anyone else. It was like what we had discovered was a secret recipe that no one else understood and had superpowers. We could finish one another’s sentences and knew what each other were thinking pretty quickly. Further confirmation that all was right and we were meant to do this life, together. So, on May 4, 2013, we made vows in front of God – and three little boys.
Today, those boys are 21, 18, and 15. For ten years, these boys have of watched us live out those promises. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. For ten years, I’ve lived as a childless step-mother to these boys and become a woman I would have never become, without them.
I’ve considered so many things I could share here on this milestone. I think the most helpful – and less boring – to you, might be the top 10. So, here we go…
Top Ten Tips
Pay attention to how your step-children feel about the marriage, and the wedding. This will likely not change after the wedding dust settles. For better, or for worse. What was a dream come true for you, may be a nightmare for them. To avoid conflict before it begins, this needs to be settled.
Everyone has role in the family. Be intentional to give each member of the family a voice and ultimately, responsibility is on dad to determine the health and happiness of the family. Check in with each person from time to time to give air to grievances, anxiety, joy, and small victories.
Don’t lose you. I’ve failed at this. In my excitement, and best intentions, I have neglected having gal-pal weekend trips, girls night out, standing brunch dates, and local adventures. I feel this deeply after ten years and have determined that’s an area that I need to nurture. Without paying attention, I feel I’ve lost an element of fun and adventure and need to plug back into this side of my personality.
Have fun! I cannot overstate the importance of humor and fun in a family dynamic. Boredom causes all sorts of problems and can usually be cured with intentional planning and small effort. Laugh with your partner and remember your “Why.” This will save your marriage more than most anything else. If you need tips on how to walk this one out, ask me.
You are not creating or re-creating a biological family. Even if you are answer to prayer at the end of a long and painful journey, there was a story before you. The psychological, emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage from that origin has now made its way into your life. This point is painful. For a woman who is grieving, this can cause a stomach flip and shortness of breath. Make sure your partner walks this one out with you. He should be part of this hurt with you. He should understand your tears. If he doesn’t care, or understand, question this. Your partner should love you well in this area. Create ways to make your own mark and have your own influence in the lives that you are stewarding. Trust me, small investments – and more importantly – living with consistent character, impacts the lives of these little people. You will have your day, mom.
Own your tribe. Competition is toxic to a human. Especially small humans. They are watching your comfort level so when you are rejecting your family and their role in it, they feel every bit of it. Take pride in your role as dad’s wife and enjoy supporting these kids in their clubs, sports, and whatever their hobbies are. If they game online, take interest and ask them to show you their game. Sit down on the bed next to them and ask about the strategy and try to learn their why. They’re probably not like you, so learn them. Adults rarely enter a child’s world apart from criticizing or critiquing them. When you take time, they notice. One last point on this…SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND. You are his champion. So champion him!
Family rules are made together, and enforced by bio-parent. We have created rules and systems, and failed miserably in this area. We started strong and every year tried to develop some type of chores/reward pattern that would teach them responsibility and grow them into men of character. I am laughing as I type this because they became this in spite of chores or work. We show them respect by valuing their voice and they show us respect by honoring our leadership. I let the frustration and pressure of parenting go when I realized that our inconsistent enforcement of these systems were not harming or helping these boys. Time will take care of how well the boy’s dad followed through or failed to do so. (And prove whether he should’ve listened to me or not :))
Physical space is important. You need a place to escape. Create a place in your home where you find safety, solitude, and serenity when the waves hit. I dreamed of having white carpet and white leather furniture. That will not happen in this lifetime. When the last boy is grown and raised, it will be time for grandchildren. I let that go many years ago. So, I have a very girly corner in our room – yes, my sports fanatic husband had to concede to this one. It has beautiful bottles of perfume and pretty containers of girly things. This is a visual that not all of my life is given to testosterone.
Fight fair. Words hurt or they heal. This is for all of us. Regardless of family ingredients. It took many years, but I finally raised my voice in an argument and when I did, it shook me. I had denied myself the right to be angry for so long, that I had built up resentment. It all came out in a car ride when a very small topic, exploded from within me. That was not fair to Dave. Over time, I’ve learned that feelings lie, but they do need to be acknowledged. The thoughts that accompany my feelings tell me that this was all a mistake and I’ve made promises I’ll never be able to keep. But one whisper from the voice of the Holy Spirit reminds me that all of this is much bigger than this temporary moment. David taught me that when we have a bad moment, it does not equate to a bad marriage. Plus, you have eyes and ears watching you how this is done in their own life.
Not every hill is the one to die on. Evaluate your demands and requests with honesty and truly measure where they land on the larger scale. If your “thing” is the dishwasher, or making beds, or leaving clothes laying around – communicate that. If your “thing” is talking back, being ignored, or stealing – communicate that. You need to use your words, in a responsible way, to tell your family why this is important to you. They will likely respect this more if they understand why you are triggered by this behavior. If you keep taking hills in your family, this will be a lonely existence for you.
All of these items have been learned, mostly the hard way. Some have come instinctively and I’ve learned by watching some of my fellow S’moms learn the hard way. Either way, know that you’re not alone and there are moments we understand that likely few others in your life do. Your crown will come in the least expected moments.
Lastly, if you try to do this life without an anchor, you will get tossed around and may capsize – or sink. My relationship with Christ has been the single most stabilizing factor in this past decade. When work has rejected, the kids have misunderstood, Dave has dismissed, and my friends disconnected, I run into His presence and find identity and peace. Without having this, I could not endure. If you need to know how to do this, I’d love to share.
At this point in the year, exactly ten years ago, I was headed toward the most chaotic and tumultuous time in my life. I remember feeling uneasiness, but I don’t think I could have predicted exactly what was coming. Had I known, I likely would have curled up in a little ball and just laid down in the floor until it all passed. Thankfully, we aren’t able to see those trains of life that are headed straight toward us. Here’s a very brief snapshot of what was headed my way in 2011, beginning in early March:
My first wife told me she wanted to separate and decided to move out of the home that we had shared for 11 of our 13 years of marriage. She moved out several weeks later.
I went from seeing my sons (then ages 3, 5, and 8) every day to seeing them 3-4 days a week.
In the fall of 2011, when it was obvious that my marriage was not going to be repaired, the church that I was serving at as associate pastor asked me to step down from the position.
No longer able to afford the payments, the home that I was living in went into foreclosure.
I started a new job in Charlotte in December of 2011, which was a blessing. But living where I lived at the time, the round trip commute was 140 miles a day when I didn’t have my boys. When my boys were with me, because of child care and school, the commute was 160 miles a day.
I value stability and peace in my life. I don’t necessarily run from change, but I don’t initiate it. Most of the time, my thinking is “if it’s working, why change it?” So when change of this magnitude comes my way, it brings a level of discomfort that I definitely don’t embrace. In the case of David, Version 1.0 from 2011, I hadn’t prepared myself for dealing with this chaos because I had spent too much of the previous season of my life in a state of fear. Afraid of what you might ask? I was afraid of a lot of things. I knew that my marriage wasn’t in a great place, but looking back, it never was. Not even from the beginning. I think that I had been living in it for so long that I didn’t realize how “not great” it was. Especially now that I’m nearly 8 years into a happy, fulfilling and stable second marriage. My fear was rooted in all of the things that would happen if it didn’t work out, because as 2009 and 2010 went on, things were getting worse, not better. My life was a dichotomy: on one side my mind would say “things will be fine, this is how things have been from the start” and on the other side it would say “if this keeps heading in this direction, it is going to be BAD.” I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep things together and on the right track that I hadn’t fortified myself to be ready when things fell apart. I hadn’t prepared the fields of my life for the seeds of peace. What does that mean? I’m about to explain.
These 10 years have passed with a speed that I didn’t anticipate. However, I can see that the mindset that I chose to live my life by has resulted in a harvest of peace in my life that I honestly didn’t think was possible. After getting through the hurt and pain of the separation and divorce, I began to see that peace was actually something I could obtain in my life. And I began to realize that it wasn’t conditional based on the people in my life. I realized that God had intended for me to live in peace no matter my circumstances. This peace was not going to come because everyone else in my life had decided to be decent human beings. It wasn’t going to come because of an absence of conflict, chaos or drama. It was going to come if I made a conscious decision to live above the conflict, chaos and drama. The thing is, it all started with changes inside of me, not everyone else. Read this scripture below to see how to plant the seeds of peace in your life.
James 3: 14-18 says “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. ”
Planting seeds doesn’t result in an immediate harvest. You don’t put seeds in the ground one day and walk outside the next to see a garden full of vegetables. You have to fertilize, water, and tend to those seeds. The same thing applies to the seeds of peace in your life. The fertilizer and water come in the form of forgiveness of those who hurt you (and who may continue to hurt you) and removing jealousy and selfishness from your life. Recognizing what the sources of fear are in your life and attacking them head on. Tending to the seeds of peace in your life means making sure the weeds don’t overtake them. The weeds of lingering bitterness and fear can establish strong root systems if you aren’t vigilant to remove them from your life. This prevents you from harvesting peace in your life.
This mindset has helped me deal with the pressures and stress of being at the center of a blended family and co-parenting with the mother of my three children. I often tell people that my position in this life, being the fulcrum between my home and the other one that my boys live in the other half of their lives, as being the CEO of the most dysfunctional organization you can imagine. An organization where loyalties, past hurts, and preferences threaten to derail the train at any given moment. Your marriage, home and children cannot reach their potential while you are sowing discord and giving in to the temptation to “win” all of the time. This does not mean that you have to be a doormat and always give in. What it means is that even when you are in the middle of conflict, you stay above the fight. You intentionally keep it from being personal. You can disagree while acknowledging the value of the other person and their side of the conflict. When you establish this pattern with those around you, you have successfully planted the seeds of peace.
The biggest challenge to this mindset is that it TAKES TIME to reap the harvest. The potential peace isn’t immediate, so it is easier to stay where you are and not do the work. If you choose to just remain in the stagnant patterns of disorder, you will never be able to experience true peace. Much, if not all of the time, the disorder is rooted in some kind of fear. You will keep marching from battle to battle, growing more weary and more frustrated each time your boots hit the ground. Those patterns of disorder and discord will mean that you will lose the war even though you have won some battles here and there. In my experiences, winning those individual battles might feel good for a moment or two, but it never results in lasting peace. Lasting peace is only obtained by preparing the ground, planting the seeds of peace, and caring for them as you get closer to the harvest.
This was the key phrase in a Nationwide Insurance advertising campaign that first debuted in the mid-2000s. The messaging was intended to remind the viewer that you just never know what is around the corner in this life, so be prepared with a great insurance company. (One of my favorites in this campaign is this one featuring MC Hammer and his 15 minutes of fame.)
The commercial that had a bigger impact on me was this one, where Dad is pushing his little boy in the tree swing, only to have his son transform instantly into a teenager. He crashes into Dad, knocking him down, and the tag line “Life Comes At You Fast” appears on the screen. When this commercial came out, I was the father of a four-year-old and a one-year-old. My youngest son hadn’t even been born yet. This commercial was a great reminder of how fast life flies by, before you know it, your children are adults. On the first day of the school year, Hope posted about the special season that we are in. She wrote: “I can sense that we have crossed a significant bridge and things have hit a new speed from here on out.”
It hit me that we have entered the latter phases of the season that we talked about and prayed about when we were dating and first married. Thanks to some great advice from some blended family experts, we’ve always viewed the process of blending our family together like slow cooking in a crock pot. This has been our mantra from the time that Hope and I realized that we were heading toward marriage. Many blended families, if not the majority, make the mistake of putting their families in a pressure cooker and trying to force everything to happen. When that is the mindset, there isn’t time for anyone to adjust, they’re just supposed to accept how things are and do the best they can to make it work. The slow-cooking mindset allows for failure, forgiveness, recovery, and redirection. One of the things that we constantly reminded ourselves early on is that it normally takes 5-7 years after remarriage for the family unit to find that “new normal.”
Somehow, we are already smack in the middle of that time period. In May of next year, we will have been married for 7 years. About a month after our anniversary, my oldest son will be graduating high school. Life will change quite a bit, but not as much as it changed for us in the couple of years leading up to our marriage. That provides a sense of peace as life continues at this breakneck speed. When my first marriage ended, I was faced with the reality that my sons were going to spend half of their boyhood and teen years with their mom and away from me, further accelerating the speed at which life passes. Half the time, twice the speed.
In my younger years, a mistake that I made quite often was trying to force things to happen before it was time. That caused quite a bit of heartache and frustration for me, and also caused me to point fingers at other people instead of looking inside of myself. When Hope and I married, I knew without a doubt that if I reverted back to that mindset and tried to force our family into this new normal before it was time, I would end up exactly where I did before. There was too much at stake for all of us for that to happen. We had to figure out how to slow cook at high speed. It seems to make no sense at all that the way to make all of this work is to cook slowly, when everything is moving so fast. But that is the only way to make it work. Letting go. Praying. Forgiving. Learning. And letting go some more, because life comes at you fast.
Today was a biggie. The oldest started his senior year of high school. Number two began his freshman year and number three became a middle-schooler. I can sense that we have crossed a significant bridge and things have hit a new speed from here on out. I’d like to share this event from the perspective of the step-mom.
Leading up to this morning, we were all speculating how it would feel. All through the summer I’ve had moments where I would smile internally (and sometimes let a tear of contentment leak out) as I realized next summer may be completely different. We will have one who leaves the nest and heads off to college, perhaps before we take another family vacation. The reservation for five will become four and things will feel very different. I’ve also begun to prepare for what happens after the season of raising them. When it is time for them to make their own decisions and have the liberty to choose where they spend their time and with whom.
I’ve learned a lot in the past few years about what I can expect and what I can let go of. God has given me a ton of grace to release ownership at all and understand that these boys have two parents and I am not one of them. Although the responsibility and cost is equal, the benefit of loyalty and pride belong to the biologicals. It doesn’t sting like it used to, and now that time has brought clarity, I have a peace about this fact. The reality can still blindside me at times, however, what has emerged, is the truth that I am impacting their lives in a significant way that even they cannot see.
Last night, we circled up in the living room after a great family time around the table. We held hands in a circle and waited for their father to pray for and over them for the coming school year. One by one, I laid my hands on them and prayed what the Lord laid on my heart to pray. As my spirit connected with their Creator on their behalf, I felt a release of promise and blessing. In the holy moments following that prayer time, I settled into a quiet understanding that these are the moments that are given to me to steward. These eternal moments of sowing into the fabric of their spirit, I get to play a part in their shaping that we can’t quite get our heads around.
I ache in a deep deep way for the unquestioned loyalty that a child gives their parent. I ache for the unconditional acceptance that a child willingly gives their father and mother. I cry for the hesitation I can still feel when they hug me sometimes. I long for a day when I don’t feel the guilt for many unspoken resentments that come with blended life. But moments like last night, when I can pronounce the things of heaven over the life of these children, go a long way to bring perspective and healing.
I love the children in my life and today has reminded me that although these babies (including nieces and nephews) may not carry my physical DNA, I can pray that one day they will carry my spiritual DNA. I believe that their destiny will be fuller because their Hopey has prayed.
After five years and countless hours of preparing, talking and reading, I still feel like I’m wingin’ it most of the time. I take it as it comes and prepare as best I can. This has served me well, until I get blindsided. Then, all preparation is out the window and the seatbelt gets fastened. To celebrate our five year milestone, I’m going to let you in on some stuff that I still ain’t got figured out.
Plenty of folks write about the things they know. I thought y’all would pass right on past that because you too have learned lessons and become smart from learning things the hard way. Not many people share publicly what they don’t know. Since I live pretty transparently, I’m completely comfortable sharing with you that there is a LOT I don’t know. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize how very much that I lack in the smarts department.
In my world of boys, I have learned plenty, but I’m still seeking answers for some of these biggies:
Who gets their haircut and can I come in? Seems straightforward to most. You walk in and give your name, wait for a chair to come open, sit down and hold your breath. When you’re a step-mom, it can get complicated. Can he decide for himself what to get done? Why does she keep telling him he looks like me? Will his mom get mad because I took him instead of Dave?
Who is packing your lunch? I am the oldest of three girls so I, by default, did a lot of household helping and directing for my siblings. Dave is still packing lunches because, (first) he’s amazing, and second, because he enjoys loving on all three knuckleheads like that. He still packs #3’s lunch for school. I’m standing by watching and wondering if Dave’s going to follow him to college. I play it all out. Always. I feel mean like that.
When I go in for the hug and kiss goodnight, can I hold on when I want to? I love big. (bigly for those who believe that’s a word) I give love with no apology and I fell in love with my three step-sons a long time ago. Sometimes I miss them terribly and am aching to hug them and let them know how much I care for them. I’m still weird about the embrace with them. If I go all the way and be me and it doesn’t get returned, I feel rejected. When they come back to us and they haven’t missed me, it hurts. Can I hold on when I miss them and finally have them back? More importantly, when do I hold on and when do I let go? I am 100% positive that my brave face will melt into full on meltdown when they each leave our nest.
Can I shut down the noise?! I was a single girl with no internet and no cable TV when Dave entered my world. I was perfectly happy with a drawer full of old DVDs and my dinner of Perrier and sushi. Then, boys. Three of them. And the noise hasn’t stopped since. Can I throw a shoe at the X-box and shatter it? Is it legal to shoot a Playstation? I need more quiet.
Is it MY social media brag? I’m sure it’s not exaggeration that I have been to 7,000 ballgames a year for the past five years. Pretty sure that’s an accurate count. When I’m not attending a ballgame, I am hearing conversation about ballgames. So let’s not find it odd when I’m a little proud that my little athlete is makin’ shots and turning heads. David loves his boys and loves to brag about them like a proper 1st world parent by posting their achievements to the socials. What about the step-mom? Like the biggies? Can I put that up? I know folks saw the Dave do it, so I’m kinda an echo like that. But my heart wants to brag about my little baller too.
These are some shallow examples. Nevermind the stuff I’m working through about teenage attitudes and…..smells…….just know, there are boys and then a tribe of boys and then….the smell that follows them.
Needless to say, I’m still learning after five years. I’m not as far along as I thought I would be, but I am sooooo much stronger than when I began. I cannot wait to see what and who they become in the next five years. The wonderful and anchoring truth of my life is that when I don’t know, I have a Source that does. When I’m breathless with hurt and confused by a look, I quietly process the experience with my Jesus. I can’t imagine living this life without Him.
If you have some pointers to my questions, feel free to comment on this post. If you need direction from the things I’ve learned, I’m an open book. If you’d like to be introduced to my Source of help, Jesus Christ, you can find Him here: https://peacewithgod.net
Co-parenting is a fancy word for the fact that you are no longer married to the other parent of your children. Co-parenting is one of the most challenging aspects of a divorce that involves children. It is tough for the parents, and it is tougher for the children. I’ve now been a co-parent for four and a half years, and not a week goes by without a reminder that my children live in two different environments with two different sets of rules and expectations. I’d like to share several things that we have learned when it comes to co-parenting, hopefully it will shed some light on our challenges and how we’ve handled them.
Remember it is difficult for the kids too. I used to spend a lot of time focusing on the difficulties of being a part-time parent. As time has passed, I’ve learned that it may be difficult for me, but it is more difficult for my boys. I try to spend some one-on-one time with each of my kids on a regular basis. Earlier this summer, I took one of my sons on a hike. We sat down by the lake, and I asked him a few questions about how he was doing. I asked him “What is the hardest part for you when it comes to the divorce and living in two separate homes?” He didn’t hesitate for a second with his response. He said “The rules are different in your house.” He went on to explain that there are certain expectations that are present in our home that aren’t present in his mother’s home, and it is hard for him to adjust when he first returns to our house. I’ve had to keep this in mind and set my expectations based on this. The key is learning how to walk the fine line of allowing your kids some room to adjust. Speaking of this…
Keep your custody arrangement in mind. This was a hard one for me at first. I expected the kids to follow all of the rules and adapt immediately upon returning to my house. This led to frustration and a lack of patience on my part. I know it stressed the kids too. If you only have your kids every other weekend, then don’t expect them to adjust to different rules and expectations quickly. We pick my boys up every Friday after work, and on Mondays we drop them off for the school bus. I’ve learned that Fridays are an adjustment period for them, and to give them some room to adjust. If we jump all over them immediately for something that is different in their mom’s house, then nothing is accomplished.
Keep the ages of your children in mind. This one is pretty simple. My sons are 7, 10 and 13. When setting my expectations for them, I’m learning how to account for their age when it comes to parenting them. I’ll hold my 13-yr-old more accountable because he’s closer to being an adult, meaning that he should be able to adjust to various situations quicker.
Communicate with your spouse. One of the things that Hope and I have learned is that to do this right, you have to talk about parenting together. You each will have different parenting strategies and philosophies. As traditional parents, you get to slowly blend your parenting philosophies together with a baby that can’t talk back. As a step-parent, you’ve become an instant parent with another person who may have raised their kids with a different mindset, or who wants to parent your kids with their mindset. More importantly, that person comes into your life with a fresh perspective on how you’ve raised your children, and may be able to see things that you don’t. The challenge is to learn how to communicate openly and have conversations about parenting without them turning into arguments. In addition, be sure to communicate EVERYTHING that will affect the schedule of your home. School activities, ball games, church activities, make sure it is all available for your spouse to review. One solution that has worked well for our situation is using a shared Google calendar that everyone, including the other biological parent, has access to. Set your smartphones so that you can see the calendar at anytime.
The battle isn’t yours. You’re divorced from the other parent. That means you didn’t get along and didn’t agree. Don’t expect this to change when the kids live in separate houses. The thing that has helped me the most is learning that I need to focus on the things that I can control and change, and let the rest go. Don’t think you can change how the other biological parent runs their home, because you can’t. Don’t try to do it through the kids either, because that will do nothing but keep your children in the middle. They don’t want to be there. Always, above all, keep the kids as the focus and the priority. Let the hurt feelings and pain from your divorce fall by the wayside when you co-parent your children with their other parent. Stay out of the emotional battles that may still tempt to drag you back into old feelings or the past. One scripture that continually brings me back to reality regarding this is Galatians 6:7, which says “You will always harvest what you plant.” Keep this in mind in all aspects of co-parenting, and that promise will prove itself true.
Co-parenting is a fancy word for the fact that you are no longer married to the other parent of your children. Co-parenting is one of the most challenging aspects of a divorce that involves children. It is tough for the parents, and it is tougher for the children. I’ve now been a co-parent for four and a half years, and not a week goes by without a reminder that my children live in two different environments with two different sets of rules and expectations. I’d like to share several things that we have learned when it comes to co-parenting, hopefully it will shed some light on our challenges and how we’ve handled them.
Family 2.0 