Divorce

Finger Peepers & Facebook Creepers

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Finger Peeper = It’s what I look like when I’m watching the Walking Dead.  You hear the music change to a minor key and watch with trepidation as long as possible until you can’t take it anymore and you cover your eyes but then get brave and extremely curious and spread a finger, or two, and take a peek to see if anyone survived. (spoken really quickly followed by a big dramatic breath)

finger peeper

Facebook Creeper = People who never post anything on Facebook but emerge randomly from the shadows.  You know, those people who will never like or comment on your posts, but will approach you with input about something you wrote weeks ago.  What about that odd co-worker (or family member) that you were guilted into adding as a “friend” but you’re pretty sure they stalk you.  Oooooorrrrr how about those folks that don’t feel like they have anything clever to say but will share their story or experience and blow your mind.

After I settled into my 750 sq ft apartment from my two-story home, the adjustment really started.  The shock of separation and pending divorce had passed by that time and the work to heal was well under way.  I chose to disengage from the internet all together.  Watching social media was torture.  My relocation meant new friends, new community, new history.  This was a giant blessing in my mind because that meant that I didn’t have to explain anything.  I didn’t have to hurt when someone asked me what happened to us.  It meant that I didn’t have to cry as much. In my mind, it was less painful that way.  You see, my life as I had always known it, as I had planned it, came to an end.  In a matter of weeks, what had carried on for ten years as normal, dissolved into a lifeless shell.  As I browsed my news feed and saw life went on for everyone else, it made me feel completely alone.  Pictures of landscape projects completed, birthday parties, family vacations and date nights seemed to show me that what “they” had, was no longer mine.  It got too painful, so I unplugged.

It was this same kind of pain that kept me from attending church.  Seeing families walking together, dining together, holding hands and being together, hurt.  I noticed how couples interacted.  What they did and didn’t do.  I was searching for clues as to what went wrong in my own marriage.  I listened as women described their relationships and watched as men accompanied their wives.  I tuned in to the language, both spoken and unspoken.

As I healed and life continued one day at a time, something began to happen.  Instead of being hurt by the normalcy of the pace of life, I began to miss it.  I logged back on after several months to learn of new births, new relationships, new jobs….and new separations.  I smiled at the good news of the lives represented that continued to plunge forward in their normalcy.  I also hurt with a new empathy at the news of broken hearts.  The shadow of obscurity seemed less of a protection, and more of an excuse.  I began to hope.  I began to understand the beauty of community and the joy of sharing my experience.  I could feel the life returning to me.

You know someone in your life who is doing what I did.  They have disappeared into the shadows and withdrawn.  Some people do it for a season, but others do it permanently.  Know that your life is unique.  Your story matters.  Your experiences help others.  But it is up to you to give them a voice.  Don’t ever underestimate the power of sharing your hurt.  You have no idea what your survival could mean to someone in the midst of a raging battle.  There will always be haters, but know this, haters have been hurt too.

When Your World Falls Apart

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Posted by Dave

2014-10-03 04.25.56The subject nature of this blog is remarriage and blended families. At its core, getting married again and shaping your new family has happened because of a divorce. No matter when or how it happens, divorce hurts. Even when good comes from a divorce, there are lifelong implications. Anyone involved in a divorce as a spouse or as a child (I’ve experienced it both ways) will be the first to acknowledge this. It never really goes away, however, it can be a turning point to a better future. The key to a successful remarriage is learning the things about yourself that caused the previous divorce, and learning how to deal with the pain that resulted. I want to share a resource with you that helped me do just that.

The response to Hope’s first post, along with a discussion that I experienced at a men’s small group this past week, have led me to go back to this most painful period of my life. Hope knows this well, I go back there a lot. Not in an unhealthy way, mind you. Not with regret, shame or guilt. I go back there to remind myself of what happened to a broken man, a man who needed to be broken to experience the things that were in store for him. If this is you, and at this moment you are feeling that pit of emptiness in your stomach, let me encourage you. Life is not over.

Allow me to quickly set the stage for you as a way to direct you to this resource that changed my life. My first wife informed me that she was done with our marriage and that she was moving out. Obviously, that statement doesn’t even come close to describing what led to this. As we all well know, it didn’t get to that point overnight. Regardless, I began walking through those very painful first days of separation, watching as my three sons (ages 3, 6, & 9 at the time) dealt with this in their own ways. Complicating matters is that I was in full-time ministry at the time, serving as the Associate Pastor at our church. The Senior Pastor felt the best thing was for me to stand in front of the congregation and explain what was going on. That Sunday is forever engrained into my memory. It was one of the most difficult days of my life as I looked out toward an auditorium of people, and spoke words that I never thought I would have to speak. Little did I know that my heavenly Father was getting ready to begin transforming my life.

Several days after this, opened my laptop to check my email, and received one of those e-blast emails that Christian booksellers use to advertise their latest deals. Normally, I deleted those emails before I even read them. The subject line of this one wouldn’t allow me to delete it. The title of the book was “When Your World Falls Apart” by David Jeremiah. The book is about how he dealt with his cancer diagnosis and treatment. I immediately clicked the link and bought the book. Inside those pages was some truth that was going to change the direction of my life.

In the coming months, I read this book twice. Once wasn’t enough. I can honestly say that besides the Bible, this book was one of the keys to helping me redirect the focus of my life. Here are a couple of excerpts:

“You find yourself in a crisis with no immediate resolution. You know this thing isn’t going away. You know that when you wake up tomorrow morning, and the morning after that, this matter will leap to the forefront of your mind as soon as you wipe the sleep from your eyes. Some problem has risen up like a great tidal wave from the depths, and it dominates your landscape. But if you’re like David, there is something behind that wave – or perhaps it is between you and the wave – and that thing is called hope.”

“Genuine praise, offered stubbornly in the face of adversity, makes no sense by any worldly calculation. That’s fine. There are deeper truths that don’t ‘make sense’ on the surface of things. God’s rules fly in the face of our logic. When we begin to praise God, not in response to prosperity, but in defiance to misfortune, we align ourselves with the deepest truths of the universe, the place where God dispenses deep wisdom and spiritual maturity. We unleash His victorious power in the world of pain and suffering. We create the environment where miracles occur.”

Since then, the book has been re-branded and reprinted. It is now called A Bend In The Road, which you will find is appropriate once you read the book. When people ask me how I made it through those days, I never recount it without mentioning this book and what was on those pages.

Maybe you are facing a separation or divorce. You’ve lost hope, you can’t see how life is going to go on from here. Don’t waste what God wants to do in your life through this period of time. Know that while there is plenty of finger-pointing going on and plenty of blame to go around, there is something inside of you that God wants to change. Go to counseling. Remove people from your life who bring negativity and feed into your pity. Learn to forgive. Learn to ask God to forgive you for the things you did to cause it, because no one is blameless. Spend $15 and buy this book. Read it and mark it up like I did. Put dates on the pages to remind you later of where you were when you read something that impacted you. In preparation for this post, I pulled my tattered copy off of the shelf. I looked at the dates and notes, and immediately, I was back “there”. Only now “there” means something much more to me than it did then.

Armed and Unashamed

/ Hope and Dave / 4 Comments

Posted by Hope

In a world where social media has fed the narcissism in all of us, there has also been a good use for it. Today’s technology allows us various ways to watch the best and the worst of families play out. What used to go on behind closed doors, is now displayed for all to judge on a daily basis. Oh my, how times have changed.

Three years ago, my life spiraled out of control. I suffered the devastating blow of separation and began the journey of divorce. Now, I am remarried and find myself a quasi-parent to three young men. In the time that has passed, I have felt the worst pain and the greatest joy of my life. Yet, I sense, some of the biggest hurt is yet to come.

Those of us in the Bible Belt learn how to manage life in the midst of that pain. We breathe deep, pray, read scripture and surround ourselves with friends who remind us to keep marching. But within all of us there exists a story of deep heartache. Sometimes that hurt has a life altering cost. In my battle with infertility, I have heard stories of unimaginable pain. Now, in the beginning stages of blending a family, I am reminded of the gut wrenching loss that families are walking through.

Psalm 34:4

This past weekend, I attended a step-mom conference to receive counsel on how to set myself up for success and create proper expectations for this role. This is my responsibility because adults make decisions that children are powerless to change. I want to be what they need for me to be to heal from their own pain and grow to trust again. As I listened to the speaker tell about how this conference came about, she said something that shocked me to my core. She said that she approached multiple church leaders about promoting this event in their church. Time after time she was met with the same response. Church leaders felt that by promoting this event about step families, it would cause confusion in the message they send to their congregation. Before I go off on that, let me say, I get that. So, to spare that soap box, I’ll ask this, what about those that had no choice? What about the kids? Adults made the decisions, adults suffered the consequences, but what about the children?

I will always carry the scarlet letter on my chest and in my psyche about the stigma that comes with being divorced. Working in ministry, I can’t escape that any day of the week. The Lord has taught me where to place my identity and I stand firm in the forgiveness and redemption that He extends me yet. I can deal with the rejection. But for my three step sons, it’s harder for them. She stated that children are two years behind adults in processing trauma. They are children, processing very adult issues. What do we do as a society to address their questions, hurts and fears?

Dave and I discovered a ministry that exists to help families walk the road of healing and blending which has been a life-line for us. I have been hesitant to post anything about this because, well, I know that we all are prone to silent judgement. Never in my life have I become more aware of my judgement than while walking through divorce. So, for the ones that aren’t strong enough YET, I want to let you know….I’m here. I know the pain. I am not ashamed of you. Learning to do life again will take everything you’ve got. Let me point you to an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ first. Without being solid in your identity in Him, I can assure you that it will be infinitely harder without this. Second, saturate yourself in truth from the word of God. Lastly, become familiar with Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge. Read The Smart Stepfamily. The wisdom they poured into the pages of this book is invaluable. Do your family a favor and set up realistic expectations with appropriate and godly guidance.

We look forward with great expectation and rejoice in what God has already done.