As with the life, we arrived at year ten with in a blur and sliding in sideways. It appeared on the horizon a while back and I made a mental note of gifts to buy, photos to schedule, and cards to share. It’s the eve of the big night and I am sitting at an airport gate with horrible coffee and slow jazz, fighting a migraine.
On this night, ten years ago, a baby shower was thrown for me by my family. A basket with items appropriate for three boys filled to the brim, introduced me to what laid directly ahead. All of them knew what I was jumping into. I did not.
When David and I fell in love, we fell hard. I didn’t see anything, or anyone else. It was like what we had discovered was a secret recipe that no one else understood and had superpowers. We could finish one another’s sentences and knew what each other were thinking pretty quickly. Further confirmation that all was right and we were meant to do this life, together. So, on May 4, 2013, we made vows in front of God – and three little boys.
Today, those boys are 21, 18, and 15. For ten years, these boys have of watched us live out those promises. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. For ten years, I’ve lived as a childless step-mother to these boys and become a woman I would have never become, without them.
I’ve considered so many things I could share here on this milestone. I think the most helpful – and less boring – to you, might be the top 10. So, here we go…
Top Ten Tips
Pay attention to how your step-children feel about the marriage, and the wedding. This will likely not change after the wedding dust settles. For better, or for worse. What was a dream come true for you, may be a nightmare for them. To avoid conflict before it begins, this needs to be settled.
Everyone has role in the family. Be intentional to give each member of the family a voice and ultimately, responsibility is on dad to determine the health and happiness of the family. Check in with each person from time to time to give air to grievances, anxiety, joy, and small victories.
Don’t lose you. I’ve failed at this. In my excitement, and best intentions, I have neglected having gal-pal weekend trips, girls night out, standing brunch dates, and local adventures. I feel this deeply after ten years and have determined that’s an area that I need to nurture. Without paying attention, I feel I’ve lost an element of fun and adventure and need to plug back into this side of my personality.
Have fun! I cannot overstate the importance of humor and fun in a family dynamic. Boredom causes all sorts of problems and can usually be cured with intentional planning and small effort. Laugh with your partner and remember your “Why.” This will save your marriage more than most anything else. If you need tips on how to walk this one out, ask me.
You are not creating or re-creating a biological family. Even if you are answer to prayer at the end of a long and painful journey, there was a story before you. The psychological, emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage from that origin has now made its way into your life. This point is painful. For a woman who is grieving, this can cause a stomach flip and shortness of breath. Make sure your partner walks this one out with you. He should be part of this hurt with you. He should understand your tears. If he doesn’t care, or understand, question this. Your partner should love you well in this area. Create ways to make your own mark and have your own influence in the lives that you are stewarding. Trust me, small investments – and more importantly – living with consistent character, impacts the lives of these little people. You will have your day, mom.
Own your tribe. Competition is toxic to a human. Especially small humans. They are watching your comfort level so when you are rejecting your family and their role in it, they feel every bit of it. Take pride in your role as dad’s wife and enjoy supporting these kids in their clubs, sports, and whatever their hobbies are. If they game online, take interest and ask them to show you their game. Sit down on the bed next to them and ask about the strategy and try to learn their why. They’re probably not like you, so learn them. Adults rarely enter a child’s world apart from criticizing or critiquing them. When you take time, they notice. One last point on this…SUPPORT YOUR HUSBAND. You are his champion. So champion him!
Family rules are made together, and enforced by bio-parent. We have created rules and systems, and failed miserably in this area. We started strong and every year tried to develop some type of chores/reward pattern that would teach them responsibility and grow them into men of character. I am laughing as I type this because they became this in spite of chores or work. We show them respect by valuing their voice and they show us respect by honoring our leadership. I let the frustration and pressure of parenting go when I realized that our inconsistent enforcement of these systems were not harming or helping these boys. Time will take care of how well the boy’s dad followed through or failed to do so. (And prove whether he should’ve listened to me or not :))
Physical space is important. You need a place to escape. Create a place in your home where you find safety, solitude, and serenity when the waves hit. I dreamed of having white carpet and white leather furniture. That will not happen in this lifetime. When the last boy is grown and raised, it will be time for grandchildren. I let that go many years ago. So, I have a very girly corner in our room – yes, my sports fanatic husband had to concede to this one. It has beautiful bottles of perfume and pretty containers of girly things. This is a visual that not all of my life is given to testosterone.
Fight fair. Words hurt or they heal. This is for all of us. Regardless of family ingredients. It took many years, but I finally raised my voice in an argument and when I did, it shook me. I had denied myself the right to be angry for so long, that I had built up resentment. It all came out in a car ride when a very small topic, exploded from within me. That was not fair to Dave. Over time, I’ve learned that feelings lie, but they do need to be acknowledged. The thoughts that accompany my feelings tell me that this was all a mistake and I’ve made promises I’ll never be able to keep. But one whisper from the voice of the Holy Spirit reminds me that all of this is much bigger than this temporary moment. David taught me that when we have a bad moment, it does not equate to a bad marriage. Plus, you have eyes and ears watching you how this is done in their own life.
Not every hill is the one to die on. Evaluate your demands and requests with honesty and truly measure where they land on the larger scale. If your “thing” is the dishwasher, or making beds, or leaving clothes laying around – communicate that. If your “thing” is talking back, being ignored, or stealing – communicate that. You need to use your words, in a responsible way, to tell your family why this is important to you. They will likely respect this more if they understand why you are triggered by this behavior. If you keep taking hills in your family, this will be a lonely existence for you.
All of these items have been learned, mostly the hard way. Some have come instinctively and I’ve learned by watching some of my fellow S’moms learn the hard way. Either way, know that you’re not alone and there are moments we understand that likely few others in your life do. Your crown will come in the least expected moments.
Lastly, if you try to do this life without an anchor, you will get tossed around and may capsize – or sink. My relationship with Christ has been the single most stabilizing factor in this past decade. When work has rejected, the kids have misunderstood, Dave has dismissed, and my friends disconnected, I run into His presence and find identity and peace. Without having this, I could not endure. If you need to know how to do this, I’d love to share.
When I was a kid, I remember watching my mom crochet different things like blankets and pot holders. Although being a boy kept me from ever wanting to crochet anything on my own, I remember being amazed at how these different spools of yarn could turn into a big blanket or a coaster for the coffee table. The different colors of yarn formed a pattern that held the final product together.
During January, we’ve been in a sermon series about the patterns in our lives. This series has focused on how the patterns in our lives play out on a day-to-day basis. We’ve been studying how the growth and implementation of our faith determines the patterns that are displayed as a result.
This got me thinking about the patterns in my life, and in my own family. This is something that I’m very passionate about, as I believe the lives we live are determined by the patterns we were taught during our upbringing (both good and bad), and by the patterns we learn as we experience life itself (both good and bad). For example, a daughter grows up with a father who doesn’t know how to love her and never shows love to her. She grows up not understanding affection from a man, and then spends the rest of her life seeking this love from other men in an unhealthy way. A son grows up with a mother who criticizes him and never approves of what he does. He grows up feeling like he’s never good enough, then spends the rest of his life trying to gain approval from women in an unhealthy way. And so on. On the flip side, the positive things from a child’s upbringing have a postive impact on their lives.
With enough self-reflection, the patterns in our lives become evident. What about your marriage, divorce, family, or step-family? Can you see any patterns in those? Being sensitive to the patterns in a traditional family are important enough. Some of those patterns are born into a traditional family, there is a genetic pattern that cannot be broken. In a blended family, you’re trying to patch a family together without the genetic bond that is present in a traditional family. Identifying these patterns can make or break the well-being of your family. If you’re in the middle of a season that has you wondering if that “patch” is going to hold up, just give it some time. Patterns aren’t completed or determined overnight. As our pastor said recently, “you hear me preach for 45 minutes and expect to undo 45 years of bad patterns in your life? It doesn’t work that way.”
The challenge then becomes taking the time to look objectively at the patterns in your life. Do I have enough time or energy to change what I see? Is it worth the effort that it will take? It’s just like exercise. You have to start somewhere. There is no quick fix to fixing the negative patterns in your life or family. There’s no pill to take. There’s no 30 day diet that will give you that supermodel body. It will take work, and lots of hard work, to turn the tide. What’s the alternative? Pretending that everything is fine, and that you don’t need to examine the fine print. If that is your choice, not only do you miss out on the opportunity to change the negative patterns in your life, you also miss out on seeing the positive patterns in your life. Don’t let the fear of seeing things you don’t want to see keep you from seeing things that you need to see.
As you look at the patterns in your family, try to steer away from blanket statements, generalities, or decisions instead of taking each individual person into account. This doesn’t mean that one individual is more important than any other in the family. The pattern of the family is set by the individual patterns. To change the patterns in the family, it begins with transforming individual patterns. It would be much easier to make one decision or change of direction that would affect everyone the same. Because we’re created with individual temperaments, personalities and needs, it just isn’t that simple. One person’s positive or negative patterns can affect the entire family. Take a family of four with an alcoholic father who is abusive when he drinks. The patterns of the other three people in the family will be affected. Mom will either become codependent (where one person supports or enables another person’s addictions or irresponsibility) or she will reject Dad’s behavior, causing major conflict between the two of them. Whichever direction she goes will determine the patterns of the lives of the children. This is exactly why so many problems in families are generational, because these patterns show up very early in our lives. If they aren’t confronted and dealt with, you have teenagers and then young adults repeating the same mistakes. Then they carry those patterns into their relationships and marriages, producing children who will carry them as well. And on and on it goes. Dad’s alcoholism and how it manifests itself in the family has determined the pattern, and it has affected everyone. Mom can stand up and say “we’re going to change the pattern of this family” and try to stem the tide of how everything is affecting the children, but until Dad makes a choice to change, the pattern will always be there. This is why you have to look at each individual in the family when looking at the patterns of the whole family.
When Hope and I decided to get married, we had an expectation that it would take plenty of time for our family to be “crocheted” together. In a step/blended family situation, the tendency is to try to put it all together overnight. That puts so much pressure on the individuals in the family that no patterns have time to emerge. Everyone is simply reacting or trying to keep the peace. Our approach hasn’t changed from Day 1, and now we’re starting to experience the fruit from this patience. This doesn’t mean that we’re without conflict and that everything is smooth sailing. This doesn’t mean that we won’t have tough days ahead, especially as our three sons transform into those monsters known as teenagers. What it means is that instead of reacting only to situations and circumstances, you go further into what is happening. Is there a deeper pattern as to why this happened? Does that pattern need to be changed for the family to be healthy? You have to allow the tapestry to be woven slowly as everyone adjusts.
Take a look at your life and your family today and see if you can identify the patterns. Look for the good ones and the bad ones. Look for the ones that you want to change. It might be as simple as changing your diet & exercise plan, or choosing to stop watching or listening to things that are preventing growth in your life. Or it could be as big as making the choice to not be an addict anymore. If your marriage is going well, or going not-so-well, know that it isn’t circumstances that have caused that. It’s the patterns. Sew the good ones into the pattern of your life and tear out the bad ones. Then wait for the change to happen.
If you’re divorced with children like me, it is likely you have a separation or custody agreement that tells you when your kids will be with you and when they won’t. My copy of this legal paperwork also spells out what will happen with the children on Thanksgiving and Christmas. For me, these holidays rotate. On the years I have them for Thanksgiving, they are with their mother for Christmas. I had them for Thanksgiving this year, which means that we will spend this Christmas without the boys.
This is year #4 for my boys having “Two Christmases”. It is a constant reminder that our family isn’t like it used to be, and that we’ve had to make adjustments to how we celebrate the holidays. It is a constant reminder that we aren’t a “traditional” family. Because my parents divorced, I remember what it felt like to have a Christmas with my Dad, and a Christmas with my Mom. Even though this is becoming normal for our family, I must admit that on the Christmases that the boys aren’t with us, they are missed terribly. A traditional Christmas is all about the kids, from the myth of Santa, to stockings, to waking up early to unwrap presents, to playing with new toys. Nearly every Christmas movie you watch has some element of Christmas that focuses on children.
If you are spending Christmas without your children due to divorce, I’m here to tell you that if you let it, it will send you into a tailspin. You’ll start to feel emptiness, regret, and you’ll be miserable this Christmas. You’ll get angry at the “other” house or your ex-spouse, and you’ll be jealous that they get to spend Christmas with the kids. Not a great way to spend the Christmas holiday, is it?
I’m not an expert on the subject, but I want to encourage anyone who is going through this during the Christmas season. There have been some things that we’ve done in our home to adjust, and to make Christmas special even when it isn’t our year to have the children on December 25th. On the years we don’t have the boys for Christmas, we always have to plan our family Christmas for another time. Depending on where Christmas falls, we will usually do this the weekend before or after December 25th. We work hard to make sure that this day feels special to them, even though it may not be December 25th when we give our gifts. We build the anticipation. We make it exciting. This year, my mother- and father-in-law got into the act, and made a huge deal out of “our Christmas”, which happened to be on December 20th this year. That really made it feel like a special day to us and to the boys. It really is important to start some new traditions like this to make sure your children understand that you will continue make this time of year special for them. If you try hard enough, you’ll be able to identify ways to do this in your situation.
On the bigger picture, there are some other perspective adjustments that you can make to help you if you share your children with another home for Christmas. First of all, don’t get into a competition when it comes to buying gifts. Don’t go into debt to try to outdo their other parent. Trust me, the kids will pick up on that, and eventually could start to use it against you. Also, if the other home is able to buy more expensive gifts than you, the worst thing you can do is dump this on your children. Saying things like “well, it must be nice for them to afford that”, or “if I wasn’t paying them all this child support or alimony, I could buy you that too” is a sure-fire way to make your children feel guilty about the gifts they get from the other house. It is a sure-fire way to make sure that when they’re older and are able to choose who to come visit on Christmas, it will be with reluctance that they choose you. The bottom line is that no matter the circumstances, no matter how painful it is, you must get above it and be happy for your children for the Christmas that they have in the other house.
Another thing that may help is to remember that there are plenty of families this Christmas who would give anything just to hear their child’s voice this Christmas. You may have to wish your kids a Merry Christmas over the phone, but some parents aren’t able to wish their children Merry Christmas at all because they’ve passed away. Remembering this will help you cherish that phone call on Christmas day, and will help you maintain a perspective that keeps you thankful and grateful for what you do have, even if it isn’t “traditional” or “normal”.
Lastly, we don’t make it a secret on this blog about our belief in Jesus Christ. If you read the Bible, you see that Christmas itself is about a child who came to earth as a baby. That same baby grew into a man, and ultimately died on a cross, separated from His Father. Keeping this in mind reminds you that your Heavenly Father knows how you feel. He knows what it is like to let go of His child. If you have to let go of your children this Christmas, do it with the understanding that the One who created you had to let go too. Just as with Jesus and His Father, the hope of Christmas is wrapped in reconciliation. Keep that hope alive this Christmas for your children, no matter the situation.
As I sit here typing this, they’ve just wheeled my wife Hope back for her hysterectomy. The healing from years of struggling with infertility begins for her. Her post from several weeks ago, The M Word, chronicled this journey. She has been hesitant to share her story at times, and understandably so. If there is anything I’ve learned since we’ve been together, women who struggle with infertility deal with a deep sense of hurt and loss. Sometimes it is painful to uncover that, like when you go to the women’s clinic and you’re surrounded by baby and parenting magazines. When Hope and I began discussing marriage several years ago, I told her that I wanted to be there for her to walk through the pain that she still experienced. I had no clue what that meant then, but I now realize that the past six weeks have been that time.
If anyone can have a favorite letter of the alphabet, “D” is my favorite. Lot’s of important things in my life have happened that start with D. David is my first name, and David is my favorite person from the Bible. D is the first letter of divorce, and this seemingly negative word has shaped and changed my life. D is the first letter of my job description and the most honorable title I’ve ever held: DAD. God has blessed me with the opportunity to raise three sons, something that changed the course of my life. I don’t take the responsibility lightly, understanding that God has chosen me to be the one to launch them into manhood.
When Hope and I were dating, we waited three months before we introduced her to my boys. We didn’t take this lightly. Deep down, I wanted to get to know her character to see if I wanted her around my sons. I never take off the “Dad Hat”, so I knew that the woman I chose to have in my life would be responsible for shaping the lives of my sons. I’ll never forget the day that she met my boys. That was the day I knew I wanted her to be my wife. She was a natural with each of them, and over the next several months their response to her confirmed that she was perfectly capable of raising children. Her body didn’t work properly to give her children of her own, yet her motherly instincts are evident in all that she does.
So, not only was I chosen to be a Dad, God also chose me to be Hope’s husband. Meaning that her struggles become my struggles. Meaning that her pain becomes my pain. How do you find the place inside yourself to both be a Dad, and support the one you love who wasn’t able to have children? How do you identify with someone who desperately wanted children but couldn’t have them, and know that you were chosen to be a Dad? These questions have swirled around in my head many times. For me, I’ve discovered the answer to these questions. Another D word: DEVOTION. It is impossible for me to identify with the struggle of infertility. It is impossible for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who desperately wanted children but couldn’t have them. It IS possible for me to be devoted to her.
Being devoted means being committed, it doesn’t mean I have to come up with all of the answers. It isn’t my job to be the “solutionist”, it is my job to be her companion. Sometimes all it takes is just being there.
Why would I take my pain public? I am not the only one to face infertility. Others live with the hurt I have, and much much worse. You may read this and wonder how or why I’d say the things I say. I’m positive if you were given this same set of circumstances, you’d be a superstar and rock this job like a champ! Me, I’m like the fat kid in gym class that is horribly uncomfortable in the spandex shorts and undersized tee! It’s gonna just kind of hang out there, y’all.
So many ways to make a family in this day and time. With technology and science, there are so many ways we can blend under one roof. Let’s not forget those who chose to be defined as a family without children. I received a reaction to my statement that Dave’s boys “are not mine” in my previous post. I will expand more on that point in a later post, but for now, know that there is a healthy understanding and respect for the title “Mom”. In their life, that position is filled.
On Friday, October 10th, my doctor sat across from me and explained that due to endometriosis I need to have a hysterectomy to address the horrible pain that is plaguing me. Since I couldn’t have children anyway, to him, it made sense to move this direction. This news sent me into a tailspin for days. I couldn’t think, sleep, eat or process a rational thought without applying extreme effort. I have exactly two weeks left to process the loss of my reproductive system. There is part of me that has been begging for this day for decades. Then, there is the woman deep down inside that is grieving terribly. You see, I wanted to have children.
I’d like to think that this means there’s a countdown to the sadness and when I emerge from that hospital on December 3rd that I will have left behind all of the pain. Gone will be the days of slipping into a fantasy about what my own child would have looked like, been named, what their voice would sound like and what they would want to be when they grew up. Left behind would be the dream of them running to me with a skinned knee and being the first person to celebrate moments of discovery with. I romanticize the idea of motherhood alright. In my heart, it is sacred. In my intellect and experience, I know better. I’ve watched the reality from a distance and laughed at the comedy of my fantasy. They talk back, ruin good furniture, change your plans and sometimes end up blaming you for all the things that go wrong in their life. Inevitably, that would’ve been my kid. The Alanis Morrisette song “Ironic” comes to mind when I think about the reality of how my whole Mommy journey would’ve gone.
The fact is that I am more than my body says I am. I have more than I will ever need. I have three little boys to impact with my love. I can be an example to young women in my sphere of influence, can speak into their destinies, provide counsel, guidance and become a “mother” to many. This is truth. But there are days, like today, when the reminder of that tiny package with my DNA on it will not be handed to me. That brings me back to the dark of the soul. The ache that hurts into my bones. Its weight can feel crushing and leave me physically spent.
Supernatural things happen in this kind of grief. It is only here, in hurt like today, that I can be reminded of what is needed to get me off of the floor. It is only by the strength of God that I can walk through a day like this knowing it is just a day and that the hurt will pass and life will move forward and I will be stronger tomorrow. I can allow myself these moments to purge the pain and then exhale, straighten once again and continue the march.
What awaits me? How long will it take to heal? Will I change? Well, I guess that remains to be seen. For now, I’ll take each moment as it comes. While I wait, I worship. Regardless of my pain, regardless of my preference, I worship.
In a world where social media has fed the narcissism in all of us, there has also been a good use for it. Today’s technology allows us various ways to watch the best and the worst of families play out. What used to go on behind closed doors, is now displayed for all to judge on a daily basis. Oh my, how times have changed.
Three years ago, my life spiraled out of control. I suffered the devastating blow of separation and began the journey of divorce. Now, I am remarried and find myself a quasi-parent to three young men. In the time that has passed, I have felt the worst pain and the greatest joy of my life. Yet, I sense, some of the biggest hurt is yet to come.
Those of us in the Bible Belt learn how to manage life in the midst of that pain. We breathe deep, pray, read scripture and surround ourselves with friends who remind us to keep marching. But within all of us there exists a story of deep heartache. Sometimes that hurt has a life altering cost. In my battle with infertility, I have heard stories of unimaginable pain. Now, in the beginning stages of blending a family, I am reminded of the gut wrenching loss that families are walking through.
This past weekend, I attended a step-mom conference to receive counsel on how to set myself up for success and create proper expectations for this role. This is my responsibility because adults make decisions that children are powerless to change. I want to be what they need for me to be to heal from their own pain and grow to trust again. As I listened to the speaker tell about how this conference came about, she said something that shocked me to my core. She said that she approached multiple church leaders about promoting this event in their church. Time after time she was met with the same response. Church leaders felt that by promoting this event about step families, it would cause confusion in the message they send to their congregation. Before I go off on that, let me say, I get that. So, to spare that soap box, I’ll ask this, what about those that had no choice? What about the kids? Adults made the decisions, adults suffered the consequences, but what about the children?
I will always carry the scarlet letter on my chest and in my psyche about the stigma that comes with being divorced. Working in ministry, I can’t escape that any day of the week. The Lord has taught me where to place my identity and I stand firm in the forgiveness and redemption that He extends me yet. I can deal with the rejection. But for my three step sons, it’s harder for them. She stated that children are two years behind adults in processing trauma. They are children, processing very adult issues. What do we do as a society to address their questions, hurts and fears?
Dave and I discovered a ministry that exists to help families walk the road of healing and blending which has been a life-line for us. I have been hesitant to post anything about this because, well, I know that we all are prone to silent judgement. Never in my life have I become more aware of my judgement than while walking through divorce. So, for the ones that aren’t strong enough YET, I want to let you know….I’m here. I know the pain. I am not ashamed of you. Learning to do life again will take everything you’ve got. Let me point you to an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ first. Without being solid in your identity in Him, I can assure you that it will be infinitely harder without this. Second, saturate yourself in truth from the word of God. Lastly, become familiar with Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge. Read The Smart Stepfamily. The wisdom they poured into the pages of this book is invaluable. Do your family a favor and set up realistic expectations with appropriate and godly guidance.
We look forward with great expectation and rejoice in what God has already done.
Family 2.0 