Posted by Hope
Family planning is taught early in today’s public education arenas. Beginning in grade school, we learn the function of our sex organs and how they operate (…are supposed to operate). I don’t recall my teachers discussing any of the things that can disrupt fertilization or that conception is actually a complete timing miracle. My sisters and I were raised “not to”. Heavy petting could lead to pregnancy and dad would kill us. So, don’t. I spent most of my young adult life casually planning when my children would make their appearance. It didn’t go as I had planned.
I was told in the second year of my marriage, at the age of 27, that IF I wanted children, I’d better begin trying. After three months of negative tests, I started asking questions, then plunged headlong into two years of fertility treatments. I daydreamed of life as a mom and looked forward to my own brand of Brady Bunch chaos (funny, they were a stepfamily too).
Yes dear friends, I prayed, believed, had faith, fasted, had anointing oil poured on me and prophecies spoken over me all believing for complete healing. I broke curses, renounced unknown sin, repented until I felt bad for feeling human and still was not healed. Finally, after the last negative test result, I became suicidal.
That afternoon, I spent my time thinking about my death. I was shaken sober by my soul screaming that my body did not determine my value. I got up off of the couch, walked into the nursery that I had prepared and gathered up all of the parenting magazines, baby toys and a few baby books and threw them into the garbage. Shaken by the realization that I had sunk to that depth, I spent the next few months dissecting my life with God and made changes in my warped understanding of what a woman was supposed to BE. Through years of building an intimate relationship with God, He tenderly addressed my hurt. Don’t get me wrong, it still hurts. It hurts often, but in time, living with the hurt became easier by getting to know the God who walks through it with me. Even in this special place, it never addressed the big question……WHY?
Commuting home one day, I was pouring my heart out to God in worship. I was out of words, out of prayer, out of strength. As I sang aloud the words to the song that came on, I began listening to what I was singing, “You deserve it all. And I give everything. I have no intention of holding anything back from you.” I broke. The dam burst. I cried from the floor of my soul. As I emptied my grief onto my dashboard and cried with no sense of propriety, I realized in that moment, the WHY didn’t matter anymore. In that moment, the need to understand was of no consequence. I sat in the strong presence of the Lord, knowing that one day, I would understand it all, but it would be diminished in the light of eternity. I embraced the moment and allowed Him to replace my deep need, with Himself. I felt peace wash over me in that moment and the next few days following. Up until that time I felt like God owed me an explanation. If I was going to continue to give my life to Him, it seemed like a fair deal to ask Him to show me why the “Giver of Life” had CHOSEN not to give life to me. But when I was out of fight and in the raw broken place of hurt, it just didn’t even matter anymore. In the breathless place of grief, all I needed was Him. For my very life. And He responded, big.
Years later, as my first marriage died, God reminded me of that place as I navigated separation and divorce. I lived in a broken place for a season again, but this time, with the knowledge and awareness of His faithfulness and sovereignty. I eventually healed and found love again. My second husband has three sons. I am now a step mom. Many believe that I now have my “children”. Although they provide me with an inexhaustible opportunity to love, they are not mine. I am confronted with that regularly. Living in this delicate balance of vulnerability and selflessness has been a challenge. I have failed, but I have conquered too. I lose ground and gain it on a weekly basis. But the dance is so beautiful.