Post by Hope
HOW DID I GET HEEEEEERE?! HOW did I get here? Um, how did I get HERE? I’ve asked it these three ways and probably a hundred times differently in the past two years. The part that you don’t see in this picture is me questioning if I could actually pull it off….living the self-less life I’ve promised them I would. Going back over the vows and rehearsing to myself all of the reasons why I stay. The times when the entire house is pulsing with some form of media and quiet cannot be found in my own home. When my preferences are not considered and when choices that affect my life are made by others.
How about the times Dave has found me crying in a ball in our room and watched without words until the storm passes. The nights we have lost sleep because I am rocked to my core with yet another request for stretching beyond all limits I have set. Or the ball games where she has been within feet and the awkwardness of watching the kids decide who they will sit with and show affection toward. It’s all the part that we don’t air.
What I learned, very quickly, when my former life ended, is that there IS NO “grass is greener” on the other side. It doesn’t exist. Everybody has dead grass in their proverbial yard. The difference is those who dig up the dirt, find the poison and make room for life again. We weren’t surprised by the fact that there is turbulence in our home. We weren’t shocked to find that taking one step forward, usually comes with two steps backwards. What has surprised me the most, is me. When the heat is turned up and too many things are happening at once, I almost always withdraw and resort to survival mode. In survival mode, I wall off my heart and identify the enemies and how to avoid them until the threat has passed. The problem with that in this life, is that those “enemies” are people. The people I have pledged to love unconditionally.
I grew up as a transient, gypsy, Army BRAT. I have an internal clock that is set for 2 years. This was the cycle of an assignment for most of my dad’s career. This clock governs my comfort zone as an adult. Like a predictable cuckoo clock, it goes off every two years to let me know it’s time to move on and discover the next challenge. In my first marriage, I uncovered this weakness and learned that roots are a good thing. In this marriage, I am not only challenged to re-grow roots, but to stay when the hurricane blows at a Cat 4. This is year #2. The question about who I am and what I’m made of is staring me in the face.
For the faint of heart, this life is not for you. Find a way to fix your broken relationship because if you leave or make him leave, the next marriage will break you the rest of the way. For the selfish, get over yourself. If you choose to live the only trip around the sun you have for you alone, your story will be short, no matter how far you travel. For the lost, if you can’t find your compass and true north outside of a relationship, you’re going to be led astray by anyone that wanders onto your path. This will ruin true love for you. Now for you brave souls who are living in the reality of balancing it all….in your head AND your heart, do the work. There’s no shortcuts. Do the work lads and lasses. The quality of the love, the time and the memories will pay you back in multiples.