Divorce

Planting Peace

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

At this point in the year, exactly ten years ago, I was headed toward the most chaotic and tumultuous time in my life. I remember feeling uneasiness, but I don’t think I could have predicted exactly what was coming. Had I known, I likely would have curled up in a little ball and just laid down in the floor until it all passed. Thankfully, we aren’t able to see those trains of life that are headed straight toward us. Here’s a very brief snapshot of what was headed my way in 2011, beginning in early March:

  1. My first wife told me she wanted to separate and decided to move out of the home that we had shared for 11 of our 13 years of marriage. She moved out several weeks later.
  2. I went from seeing my sons (then ages 3, 5, and 8) every day to seeing them 3-4 days a week. 
  3. In the fall of 2011, when it was obvious that my marriage was not going to be repaired, the church that I was serving at as associate pastor asked me to step down from the position.
  4. No longer able to afford the payments, the home that I was living in went into foreclosure. 
  5. I started a new job in Charlotte in December of 2011, which was a blessing. But living where I lived at the time, the round trip commute was 140 miles a day when I didn’t have my boys. When my boys were with me, because of child care and school, the commute was 160 miles a day. 

I value stability and peace in my life. I don’t necessarily run from change, but I don’t initiate it. Most of the time, my thinking is “if it’s working, why change it?” So when change of this magnitude comes my way, it brings a level of discomfort that I definitely don’t embrace. In the case of David, Version 1.0 from 2011, I hadn’t prepared myself for dealing with this chaos because I had spent too much of the previous season of my life in a state of fear. Afraid of what you might ask? I was afraid of a lot of things. I knew that my marriage wasn’t in a great place, but looking back, it never was. Not even from the beginning. I think that I had been living in it for so long that I didn’t realize how “not great” it was. Especially now that I’m nearly 8 years into a happy, fulfilling and stable second marriage. My fear was rooted in all of the things that would happen if it didn’t work out, because as 2009 and 2010 went on, things were getting worse, not better. My life was a dichotomy: on one side my mind would say “things will be fine, this is how things have been from the start” and on the other side it would say “if this keeps heading in this direction, it is going to be BAD.” I had spent so much time and energy trying to keep things together and on the right track that I hadn’t fortified myself to be ready when things fell apart. I hadn’t prepared the fields of my life for the seeds of peace. What does that mean? I’m about to explain. 

These 10 years have passed with a speed that I didn’t anticipate. However, I can see that the mindset that I chose to live my life by has resulted in a harvest of peace in my life that I honestly didn’t think was possible. After getting through the hurt and pain of the separation and divorce, I began to see that peace was actually something I could obtain in my life. And I began to realize that it wasn’t conditional based on the people in my life. I realized that God had intended for me to live in peace no matter my circumstances. This peace was not going to come because everyone else in my life had decided to be decent human beings. It wasn’t going to come because of an absence of conflict, chaos or drama. It was going to come if I made a conscious decision to live above the conflict, chaos and drama. The thing is, it all started with changes inside of me, not everyone else. Read this scripture below to see how to plant the seeds of peace in your life.  

James 3: 14-18 says “But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying. For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and the fruit of good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. ” 

Planting seeds doesn’t result in an immediate harvest. You don’t put seeds in the ground one day and walk outside the next to see a garden full of vegetables. You have to fertilize, water, and tend to those seeds. The same thing applies to the seeds of peace in your life. The fertilizer and water come in the form of forgiveness of those who hurt you (and who may continue to hurt you) and removing jealousy and selfishness from your life. Recognizing what the sources of fear are in your life and attacking them head on. Tending to the seeds of peace in your life means making sure the weeds don’t overtake them. The weeds of lingering bitterness and fear can establish strong root systems if you aren’t vigilant to remove them from your life. This prevents you from harvesting peace in your life.  

This mindset has helped me deal with the pressures and stress of being at the center of a blended family and co-parenting with the mother of my three children. I often tell people that  my position in this life, being the fulcrum between my home and the other one that my boys live in the other half of their lives, as being the CEO of the most dysfunctional organization you can imagine. An organization where loyalties, past hurts, and preferences threaten to derail the train at any given moment. Your marriage, home and children cannot reach their potential while you are sowing discord and giving in to the temptation to “win” all of the time. This does not mean that you have to be a doormat and always give in. What it means is that even when you are in the middle of conflict, you stay above the fight. You intentionally keep it from being personal. You can disagree while acknowledging the value of the other person and their side of the conflict. When you establish this pattern with those around you, you have successfully planted the seeds of peace.  

The biggest challenge to this mindset is that it TAKES TIME to reap the harvest. The potential peace isn’t immediate, so it is easier to stay where you are and not do the work. If you choose to just remain in the stagnant patterns of disorder, you will never be able to experience true peace. Much, if not all of the time, the disorder is rooted in some kind of fear. You will keep marching from battle to battle, growing more weary and more frustrated each time your boots hit the ground. Those patterns of disorder and discord will mean that you will lose the war even though you have won some battles here and there. In my experiences, winning those individual battles might feel good for a moment or two, but it never results in lasting peace. Lasting peace is only obtained by preparing the ground, planting the seeds of peace, and caring for them as you get closer to the harvest. 

Slow Cooking At High Speed

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

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“Life Comes At You Fast.”

 

This was the key phrase in a Nationwide Insurance advertising campaign that first debuted in the mid-2000s. The messaging was intended to remind the viewer that you just never know what is around the corner in this life, so be prepared with a great insurance company. (One of my favorites in this campaign is this one featuring MC Hammer and his 15 minutes of fame.)

 

The commercial that had a bigger impact on me was this one, where Dad is pushing his little boy in the tree swing, only to have his son transform instantly into a teenager. He crashes into Dad, knocking him down, and the tag line “Life Comes At You Fast” appears on the screen. When this commercial came out, I was the father of a four-year-old and a one-year-old. My youngest son hadn’t even been born yet. This commercial was a great reminder of how fast life flies by, before you know it, your children are adults. On the first day of the school year, Hope posted about the special season that we are in. She wrote: “I can sense that we have crossed a significant bridge and things have hit a new speed from here on out.”

 

It hit me that we have entered the latter phases of the season that we talked about and prayed about when we were dating and first married. Thanks to some great advice from some blended family experts, we’ve always viewed the process of blending our family together like slow cooking in a crock pot. This has been our mantra from the time that Hope and I realized that we were heading toward marriage. Many blended families, if not the majority, make the mistake of putting their families in a pressure cooker and trying to force everything to happen. When that is the mindset, there isn’t time for anyone to adjust, they’re just supposed to accept how things are and do the best they can to make it work. The slow-cooking mindset allows for failure, forgiveness, recovery, and redirection. One of the things that we constantly reminded ourselves early on is that it normally takes 5-7 years after remarriage for the family unit to find that “new normal.”

 

Somehow, we are already smack in the middle of that time period. In May of next year, we will have been married for 7 years. About a month after our anniversary, my oldest son will be graduating high school. Life will change quite a bit, but not as much as it changed for us in the couple of years leading up to our marriage. That provides a sense of peace as life continues at this breakneck speed. When my first marriage ended, I was faced with the reality that my sons were going to spend half of their boyhood and teen years with their mom and away from me, further accelerating the speed at which life passes. Half the time, twice the speed.

 

In my younger years, a mistake that I made quite often was trying to force things to happen before it was time. That caused quite a bit of heartache and frustration for me, and also caused me to point fingers at other people instead of looking inside of myself. When Hope and I married, I knew without a doubt that if I reverted back to that mindset and tried to force our family into this new normal before it was time, I would end up exactly where I did before. There was too much at stake for all of us for that to happen. We had to figure out how to slow cook at high speed. It seems to make no sense at all that the way to make all of this work is to cook slowly, when everything is moving so fast. But that is the only way to make it work. Letting go. Praying. Forgiving. Learning. And letting go some more, because life comes at you fast.

What I Don’t Know

/ Hope and Dave / 1 Comment

After five years and countless hours of preparing, talking and reading, I still feel like I’m wingin’ it most of the time. I take it as it comes and prepare as best I can. This has served me well, until I get blindsided. Then, all preparation is out the window and the seatbelt gets fastened. To celebrate our five year milestone, I’m going to let you in on some stuff that I still ain’t got figured out.

Plenty of folks write about the things they know. I thought y’all would pass right on past that because you too have learned lessons and become smart from learning things the hard way. Not many people share publicly what they don’t know. Since I live pretty transparently, I’m completely comfortable sharing with you that there is a LOT I don’t know. In fact, the more I learn, the more I realize how very much that I lack in the smarts department.

In my world of boys, I have learned plenty, but I’m still seeking answers for some of these biggies:

  • Who gets their haircut and can I come in? Seems straightforward to most. You walk in and give your name, wait for a chair to come open, sit down and hold your breath. When you’re a step-mom, it can get complicated. Can he decide for himself what to get done? Why does she keep telling him he looks like me?  Will his mom get mad because I took him instead of Dave?
  • Who is packing your lunch? I am the oldest of three girls so I, by default, did a lot of household helping and directing for my siblings. Dave is still packing lunches because, (first) he’s amazing, and second, because he enjoys loving on all three knuckleheads like that. He still packs #3’s lunch for school. I’m standing by watching and wondering if Dave’s going to follow him to college. I play it all out. Always. I feel mean like that.
  • When I go in for the hug and kiss goodnight, can I hold on when I want to? I love big. (bigly for those who believe that’s a word) I give love with no apology and I fell in love with my three step-sons a long time ago. Sometimes I miss them terribly and am aching to hug them and let them know how much I care for them. I’m still weird about the embrace with them. If I go all the way and be me and it doesn’t get returned, I feel rejected. When they come back to us and they haven’t missed me, it hurts. Can I hold on when I miss them and finally have them back? More importantly, when do I hold on and when do I let go?  I am 100% positive that my brave face will melt into full on meltdown when they each leave our nest.
  • Can I shut down the noise?! I was a single girl with no internet and no cable TV when Dave entered my world. I was perfectly happy with a drawer full of old DVDs and my dinner of Perrier and sushi. Then, boys. Three of them. And the noise hasn’t stopped since. Can I throw a shoe at the X-box and shatter it? Is it legal to shoot a Playstation?  I need more quiet.
  • Is it MY social media brag? I’m sure it’s not exaggeration that I have been to 7,000 ballgames a year for the past five years. Pretty sure that’s an accurate count. When I’m not attending a ballgame, I am hearing conversation about ballgames. So let’s not find it odd when I’m a little proud that my little athlete is makin’ shots and turning heads. David loves his boys and loves to brag about them like a proper 1st world parent by posting their achievements to the socials. What about the step-mom? Like the biggies?  Can I put that up?  I know folks saw the Dave do it, so I’m kinda an echo like that. But my heart wants to brag about my little baller too.

These are some shallow examples. Nevermind the stuff I’m working through about teenage attitudes and…..smells…….just know, there are boys and then a tribe of boys and then….the smell that follows them.

Needless to say, I’m still learning after five years. I’m not as far along as I thought I would be, but I am sooooo much stronger than when I began. I cannot wait to see what and who they become in the next five years. The wonderful and anchoring truth of my life is that when I don’t know, I have a Source that does. When I’m breathless with hurt and confused by a look, I quietly process the experience with my Jesus. I can’t imagine living this life without Him.

If you have some pointers to my questions, feel free to comment on this post. If you need direction from the things I’ve learned, I’m an open book. If you’d like to be introduced to my Source of help, Jesus Christ, you can find Him here: https://peacewithgod.net

Thanks for reading!

~Hope

What Every Divorced Parent Needs to Know Before Remarriage

/ Hope and Dave / Leave a comment

Last month, Hope wrote a blog post about the first time she met my boys, and the subsequent journey that followed. I’ll never forget that day, it was filled with expectation and excitement, as well as some nervousness on my part. I watched as my boys met the woman who would end up becoming their stepmother. We didn’t know that would be the case at the time, but nonetheless, I wanted this first meeting to go well both for her and the boys. This was a meeting that Hope and I had discussed at length in the previous three months, deciding to wait until we knew there was something serious about our relationship before introducing the boys into the dynamic. I often tell people that I knew I was falling for Hope in the months leading up to this meeting, but the day she met my boys was the day I knew it was a forever kind of love. The following weekend cemented this for me. Allow me to explain…

She met the boys on Sunday, October 6th. About midway through the following Friday, October 12th, I received a call from my brother. He explained to me that our mother was getting ready to have emergency surgery to amputate her leg below the knee. From the tone in his voice, it was evident that I needed to make plans to get there. With my custody arrangement at the time the boys were with me every Friday through Monday. This meant that the boys would also be making the trip from North Carolina to West Virginia. I picked up the phone, called Hope to let her know what was going on, and asked her if she wanted to go. She didn’t hesitate (at least verbally). Yes, she would be going on this unplanned trip, both of us heading into a situation that was uncertain. With three boys that she had met only one week prior. Before we departed, with all three boys strapped in the back seat of my Nissan Xterra, I looked at Hope and said “You ready for this?” I was halfway joking, halfway not. In some way, I believe I was also asking for the long term, because I knew that how this weekend went would reveal some things about how things would go in the future.  The pictures below this paragraph are from that weekend. The boys asleep on the way there, then spending time with Hope while I was at the hospital with my mom.

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To direct this back to the point of this post, there is one thing that every divorced parent needs to determine before considering remarriage. You get a glimpse of someone’s character when they are placed under pressure or in an unfamiliar situation. That is exactly where Hope found herself on that weekend in October of 2012. She was with three boys that she had only met one other time. Three boys whose grandmother was in a very bad place with regards to her physical health. She was in a place she had never been. She had never met my Dad, yet she would be spending the weekend at his house without me around for the majority of that time, as I was at the hospital with my mom before and after the surgery. (My parents had divorced years ago but still lived in the same geographic area.) Hope displayed an amazing amount of poise and patience as we navigated that weekend. How that weekend played out was no surprise to me, I had seen her character long before we ended up on that unexpected trip. It did confirm that there was an obvious ability on her part to be along for the roller coaster ride that comes when you sign on to be the stepmother to three boys.

To provide some perspective, it is essential to rewind to an earlier time. I can’t type this blog from the perspective of an expert without sharing my failures. Before Hope and I met, I was in a relationship for about 6 months that was becoming serious. This relationship was moving along with no major issues until the children became a bigger part of it. As that happened, things began to surface that made me come to a point of decision. Despite my compatibility with her, I had complete peace when I decided to end that relationship, because I could tell that those things that surfaced were a sign of much bigger things to come.

What I learned from both scenarios is that as a divorced parent, when it is time to introduce the children into your new relationship, take special care with the hearts of those young ones that have been entrusted to you. It is one thing for your romantic interest to be compatible with you, but a completely different thing altogether for them to be compatible with you and your children. You must seek wisdom to see the things about that other person that could be detrimental to the raising of a child. If you’re still in the “warm and fuzzy” phase, the temptation is to try to explain or rationalize those things away by saying “it will all be fine once we’re a family.” Or “as the kids get older these issues will go away.” To be blunt (and to use a great hillbilly term), that is hogwash. Those issues that you see will only be magnified when placed into the crucible of a stepfamily. They will only get worse as you deal with the home of the other bio-parent and those weaknesses are exposed. Trust me, you’re better off walking away when you sense those things. They will not go away. The direction of your child’s life depends directly on the kind of person you choose to bring into their lives as a step-parent. There is no way to avoid this.

You must also seek wisdom to see the things about your romantic interest that are positive when it comes to raising children. It is a must, an absolute must, to talk about parenting styles before things get too serious. This is a good way to gauge their impact on the lives of your children. To succeed, you have to be on the same page about this before you even consider talking about marriage. You don’t need to seek perfection in that other person or perfection in your relationship. What you do need to seek is how to effectively resolve conflict between the two of you that involves the children. What you do need to do is to play out some difficult scenarios that could come up and see how the two of you would handle those situations. No, that doesn’t make for lovey-dovey dating conversation, but it is necessary if you even have remote thoughts of walking down the aisle with that person someday.

Our journey continues with its ups and downs, and I’ve learned numerous things along the way. One of my greatest joys is knowing that the trajectory of the lives of my three boys has been affected in a positive way because Hope has been along for this crazy ride. I can look back know and remember the things we considered when we were dating. We had no clue what we were getting into, and we knew we were going to get dirty. Just like any other blended family, we’ve had our fair share of tough days, but we’ve had plenty of amazing days to cherish. It is worth it all to be able to look at the lives of three young men and know that we considered their hearts long before this journey began.

 

 

A mirror, a seat belt and a spoon

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Posted by Hope

We are well over two-thirds of the way into our crockpot stew of five years for blending family flavors.  We’re often reminded that the passage of time does not remove awkward situations, conflicted feelings and competition for affection.  To our credit, we’ve survived almost four years intact and that’s beating most re-marriage statistics.  It hasn’t been easy, but each day, we both show up for more.

Miracles have happened in the few years since we walked the aisle. Bonafide, real life, miracles.  I have been breathless with fear and breathless with joy.  Step-families aren’t for sissies folks.  There are a LOT of us out there and more on the way according to statistics.  I’m a big fan of promoting health and authenticity in our lives rather than slinking into the background covered with shame.  You are brave because you’ve survived! Be courageous and embrace what you’ve signed on to.  You have the capacity to change the lives of those looking on.

I’d like to suggest three items to pack in your bag for you blending warriors out there:

  1. A mirror.  A glimpse of yourself in just the right moment, can bring perspective that will keep you from saying something you regret.  We tend to see the fault in others much faster than ourselves.  Emotions run high in our closest relationships and can cause reactions that only compound hurt.  Understanding that each of us filter the intentions of others through our past experience, goes a long way to listening better and responding rationally. Suggestion:  Trade your balancing scale for a mirror.
  2. A seat belt.  It has been said, “Seat belts save lives.”  This is true when one decides to remarry.  This is especially true when a remarriage brings children into the mix.  When you made those vows, you went all in.  At least that what those children believe.  You are an example and your options are narrowed to what difference you can make in the life of those coming behind you.  Now you sit down, buckle up and hang on for whatever comes.  Suggestion:  Realize that every time you persist through a hard situation, you earn talking rights.
  3. A spoonful of sugar.  Someone has had to forgive you.  At some point you have hurt someone you love.  Yes, even you have been wrong.  It’s true that we tend to prefer our own path to success, but at some point, we need to stop and ask for help.  When our emotions have led us astray and we have made some poor choices that land us with a lapful of regret, it’s usually the thoughtful words of someone we trust that helps bring healing and perspective.  In a marriage, wouldn’t it be refreshing if that someone were your spouse?  When faced with a conversation that has brought a hard truth or dealt a blow, consider how it feels when you’re the one asking for forgiveness. Consider delivering your response with self control and a spoonful of sugar. Suggestion:  There’s a reason why there are so many scriptures about kind words.

These tools are the three biggies I reach for on a regular rotation.  I like what their regular use is developing in me.  May I offer just a small bit of experience to help you as well.

Carry on brave souls!

 

30% Broke and 70% Whole

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Post by Hope

What percentage is your cutoff? You know, when you decide someone is going to be too much work to put effort into. Insert random facts that are absolutes……but you can’t really put an absolute on a human, can you? We try to. We want to. We commit to stay faithful to a person at the altar, but give it a good 8-10 years and that person you pledged your life to will be very different from the one you exchanged rings with. All of life behaves this way. Covering this globe, human behavior would display the same type of conflict.

As technology has continued to transform the human existence for good and bad, it has made an indelible mark on mankind in one one irreversible way. What Wal-Mart did to the small business owner, social media has done to the human relationship. We have traded conversation for convenience, creativity for quantity, craftsman skill for quick delivery. And haven’t we done it on a practical level as well? Texting has replaced a handwritten letter, the emoji has replaced an actual expression and your friends can be suggested to you.  Remember playing outside until dark and having to strip down at the door because of all the dirt? Remember having to use your imagination to furnish your tree house and swinging from a rope and a used tire?

A very close friend of mine has shared his experiences with church and reasoned with me why he has left church. Not Jesus, but Jesus’ bride. He’s not alone. I speak with folks regularly who share his position. I used to be counted among them. Those who passionately love the Lord and could exegete scripture better than most who occupy the pulpit, but have determined that people are what’s screwing church up.

I asked this question of me tonight as I was considering my own heart and where it stands on this topic. People are messy. I am messy at times. I hurt people. I’ve been hurt by people. If I had to rate myself on the mess scale, I’d say I fall somewhere around a 30% mess. I’ve been at 100% before. I know my big personality can be overwhelming and a lot to take in in large doses. I can pout when I don’t get my way and I can talk myself out of being brave at times.

How about you? Where are you on the mess scale? Does the road rage in the morning commute bleed into the rest of the day and stamp the entire 24 hour experience? How about your wife’s sideways glance when you made a nasty comment? Or when your kid forgets about one more project due tomorrow? How much of your personality percentage has your anger cost?

As we sit back and take it all in, both in the behavior displayed day in and day out and on online, are we making the call that it’s just not worth it to connect? Then, when we find ourselves standing in the long line at a funeral home, shaken with shock and reality, do we inventory what “it’s” all about. Somehow mortality is a level that brings our priorities into order.

What if we took our percentages and brought them together? What if my 30% could add to your 30% and we worked to create a welcoming environment to help a 10% couple heal? While our 70% worked together we picked up a 20%er and another 10%er? It would mean lots of phone calls, texts and enduring long venting sessions. It would also mean we would be forced to grow in how to establish healthy boundaries and execute constructive conflict in conversations. We pay a lot of money to do that for business, can you imagine if we could take that investment into our relationships outside the firm?

There are so many books on this topic and church leaders meet all the time to table this very tragic reality. I think of the commercial https://youtu.be/zlQAyLv1iP8 where the babies are doing the stuff and are blissfully happy about it. Maybe would could take some queues from the kids that we pack into daycare. If you’ve ever watched your child make a new friend, it’s a remarkable lesson in human behavior. They make it look effortless! Okay so you are a little grumpy until lunch. We’ll play this afternoon when I don’t bug you so bad.

Let me invite you to consider your percentage and invitation to seek out a people to add your lack to. You need them and they need you. You have a lot to offer and maybe, just maybe, you can find a friend to help you work through that un-forgiveness with. She probably needs your help with her shopping addiction.

Enjoy the homework friends!

If the Shoe Doesn’t Fit, Don’t Wear It

/ Hope and Dave / 1 Comment

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Posted by Hope

I am short. Next to Dave, I am REALLY short. I am loud and many times have been described as “bubbly”. Dave is practical and more mature. I am very spontaneous and really fluid with planning. Dave is calculated with time and better at preparation. I am stuck in the 80’s and Dave knows what Apple is planning at all times. We are different. In many many many ways.

The longer I spend in this family (going on 3 years), the more I find that I am the oddball in this here Laundry estate. I’m okay with that, for the most part. Not only am I okay with it, I like to revel in it from time to time. But there are some days that it can be awfully lonely in this brick ranch. You see, along with the differences between and my bestie, there are pieces of him that magnify my faults and his gifts.

With the ringing in of 2016, I resolved to face the entrance into my 40’s in complete and total health. Mental, emotional, financial, physical and spiritual health. I’m winning big so far in all areas, except physical. That category can cause emotional pain for me which turns into spiritual imbalance. Blah, blah, blah….then it all kinda takes a tumble. See how quickly one area affects the others? So, I’m doing work y’all. Hard work.

Coach D is very physically fit. Which is intimidating if I let it be. He is one of the most disciplined people I know and I greatly respect him for it. He can walk past a box of doughnuts without flinching and says no to ice-cream without a sideways glance. I, however, speak to food and tell it to stop tempting me and then allow the whisper of a cupcake lull my senses to sleep until I somehow find the sugary goodness turn into poison and self-hate. Well, that was until January. After a few months of work, the battle is getting easier, but the results aren’t coming. That’s where this post came about.

This journey of life balance has exposed some jealousy in my heart. I have found myself jealous of Dave on a few occasions and it’s surprised me. It’s dangerous and if left unchecked, could really do some damage to my heart and my precious husband. There have been mornings where he gets up and planted on the floor doing core work and I stare at him through eyes of envy, defeat and jealousy as he stays committed to his health. How could that happen?! But, alas, it’s the absolute truth. I shared this confession with him when I discovered this ugly attitude and through tears sincerely apologized. His response to me was one of tender understanding and encouragement, not of chastisement or judgement. This showed me something very intimate about our marriage. Bigger than physical fitness, the ability to share the most shameful parts of who we are to our covenant partner, fosters intimacy.

The following few days, I worked through this with the Lord. He reminded me of my strengths and the areas that I am spectacularly built. Psalm 139 so perfectly explains how we were knit together intentionally. This has made me laugh because God built me with a weakness of speaking before I think sometimes. He laughs at me too. But I have a tender heart for broken people and an intentional heart for prayer. I have healthy boundaries, have sharp discernment and am a great people read. Not everyone can say that.

So, let’s close with this thought:  no matter how much tissue paper I stuff into the toe of Dave’s shoe, my size 6 will never fit just right. And he couldn’t stuff his giant ski of a foot into my tiny pink sequined bedroom slipper without breaking it. Celebrate the gifts that you’ve been given and work on the areas of your own weakness and learn to let others come alongside to make you better, not become competition. Your “walk” will thank you for it.

 

Begin (Again) With The End In Mind

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Start

Posted by Dave

Hope and I work together, and most days we commute together, which provides an additional time together that we normally wouldn’t have if we worked at separate organizations. Many times, we’ll fill this time talking about recent happenings in our family or discussing the day at work. Recently during our commute, we listened to a message on YouTube that spoke directly into the way that you make a successful marriage. The message was by Lisa Bevere, and it is called “Begin With The End In Mind”.

If you’re married, or if you’re in a relationship that is leading toward marriage, this is a message that you must take the time to listen to. It speaks directly into a mindset that is critical for any successful marriage. Success in a marriage means that the phrase “til death do us part” is actually how your marriage ends. If you look toward the end of your marriage and how you want to go out together, it makes many of the things you deal with on a day-to-day or week-to-week basis less intimidating and frustrating.

But what if you’ve already had a failed attempt (or multiple failed attempts) at marriage? How do you begin again with the end in mind when it didn’t end well before? Trust me, entering into it a second time was a scary proposition for both Hope and myself. All of the questions circle in your mind like “will I ever trust again?”, “after last time, can I ever commit again?”, “what if the broken things inside of me cause it to happen again?”. Fear can drive you to ask some crazy questions, but fear can also drive you to ask some very valid questions. Fear can’t be what brings you to the answer, but it can motivate some much-needed prayer and discussion with your prospective partner.

My advice? Talk about those fears together before doing anything. Talk about your expectations before doing anything. If you’re going into a re-marriage, take some time to look back at the failure of previous relationships and look for things that YOU did to cause it, because unless those things are fixed, they will doom this one too. No topic is too small during this time. I’m talking about everything from who is going to pay the bills to who is going to do specific household chores. Leave no stone unturned. For example, I do the laundry in our house. For some reason, I believe laundry is my calling, maybe it is because of my last name. Believe it or not, Hope and I discussed this before we got married. We talked about numerous other items, many of them much more important, during our dating and pre-marital counseling. Beware, it’s easy to overlook the End when you’re in the midst of the “warm fuzzies” of dating. Everything is new, you can’t get enough time together, you text or call each other constantly. Marriage seems like a great idea, because you’re having so much fun being together. Don’t let the “warm fuzzies” fool you into overlooking the seemingly minor things that will make sure your marriage stands the test of time. Imagine yourselves becoming old and gray together. Do you honestly see yourself wanting to grow old with that person? Imagine you get a diagnosis that is terminal. Is that person going to stand by your side as you fight that battle? If you can’t envision the End and see your partner with you, then it might be time to reconsider.

If you’re going to make it to the End, the Beginning has to be full of clear communication about what it is going to take to get there. You and your partner have to be on the same page. Your dreams and goals for your relationship and for your family have to align. Spend some time dreaming about what it will look like as the years go by. If you do, it will go along way toward making sure that you both make it there together.

From Rubble to Restoration

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Posted by Dave

On October 25th, I had the opportunity to speak at my brother’s church. He recently became the Senior Pastor of a church in Huntington, WV, and had been preaching a sermon series called “Broken” during the month of October. He asked me to share my story as a part of this series. I have to admit that this was a very surreal experience. It had been nearly 5 years since I stood behind a pulpit in a church, and this time around my family looked very different. The other thing that surprised me is how healing the whole experience was. My brother asked me to share with the church for a reason, but one of the unintended circumstances from last Sunday is that it was another moment of healing in the life of our family. It revealed yet again the twofold principle that has evident during this journey:

-God will use external circumstances to bring you to a place of repentance and humility.
-Not only will He use those external circumstances, God will use your own mistakes and faults for His glory if you let him.

During the message, I shared this quote from author Ken Gire: “When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But he doesn’t put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project – a mosaic that tells the story of redemption.”

Adding to the amazing timing of last weekend is the fact that October 25th would have been the 18th anniversary of my first marriage. Talk about shards of raw material being used for a new project… I’m so thankful for healing, restoration, and memories of a broken past. It is a constant reminder of how my loving Heavenly Father works.

The video from this service is below (note: there were some technical difficulties around the 18:00 mark, but they inserted a slide showing the points that I spoke about).

Part Time Is Still Full Time

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part-time-jobCo-parenting is a fancy word for the fact that you are no longer married to the other parent of your children. Co-parenting is one of the most challenging aspects of a divorce that involves children. It is tough for the parents, and it is tougher for the children. I’ve now been a co-parent for four and a half years, and not a week goes by without a reminder that my children live in two different environments with two different sets of rules and expectations. I’d like to share several things that we have learned when it comes to co-parenting, hopefully it will shed some light on our challenges and how we’ve handled them.

Remember it is difficult for the kids too. I used to spend a lot of time focusing on the difficulties of being a part-time parent. As time has passed, I’ve learned that it may be difficult for me, but it is more difficult for my boys. I try to spend some one-on-one time with each of my kids on a regular basis. Earlier this summer, I took one of my sons on a hike. We sat down by the lake, and I asked him a few questions about how he was doing. I asked him “What is the hardest part for you when it comes to the divorce and living in two separate homes?” He didn’t hesitate for a second with his response. He said “The rules are different in your house.” He went on to explain that there are certain expectations that are present in our home that aren’t present in his mother’s home, and it is hard for him to adjust when he first returns to our house. I’ve had to keep this in mind and set my expectations based on this. The key is learning how to walk the fine line of allowing your kids some room to adjust. Speaking of this…

Keep your custody arrangement in mind. This was a hard one for me at first. I expected the kids to follow all of the rules and adapt immediately upon returning to my house. This led to frustration and a lack of patience on my part. I know it stressed the kids too. If you only have your kids every other weekend, then don’t expect them to adjust to different rules and expectations quickly. We pick my boys up every Friday after work, and on Mondays we drop them off for the school bus. I’ve learned that Fridays are an adjustment period for them, and to give them some room to adjust. If we jump all over them immediately for something that is different in their mom’s house, then nothing is accomplished.

Keep the ages of your children in mind. This one is pretty simple. My sons are 7, 10 and 13. When setting my expectations for them, I’m learning how to account for their age when it comes to parenting them. I’ll hold my 13-yr-old more accountable because he’s closer to being an adult, meaning that he should be able to adjust to various situations quicker.

Communicate with your spouse. One of the things that Hope and I have learned is that to do this right, you have to talk about parenting together. You each will have different parenting strategies and philosophies. As traditional parents, you get to slowly blend your parenting philosophies together with a baby that can’t talk back. As a step-parent, you’ve become an instant parent with another person who may have raised their kids with a different mindset, or who wants to parent your kids with their mindset. More importantly, that person comes into your life with a fresh perspective on how you’ve raised your children, and may be able to see things that you don’t. The challenge is to learn how to communicate openly and have conversations about parenting without them turning into arguments. In addition, be sure to communicate EVERYTHING that will affect the schedule of your home. School activities, ball games, church activities, make sure it is all available for your spouse to review. One solution that has worked well for our situation is using a shared Google calendar that everyone, including the other biological parent, has access to. Set your smartphones so that you can see the calendar at anytime.

The battle isn’t yours. You’re divorced from the other parent. That means you didn’t get along and didn’t agree. Don’t expect this to change when the kids live in separate houses. The thing that has helped me the most is learning that I need to focus on the things that I can control and change, and let the rest go. Don’t think you can change how the other biological parent runs their home, because you can’t. Don’t try to do it through the kids either, because that will do nothing but keep your children in the middle. They don’t want to be there. Always, above all, keep the kids as the focus and the priority. Let the hurt feelings and pain from your divorce fall by the wayside when you co-parent your children with their other parent. Stay out of the emotional battles that may still tempt to drag you back into old feelings or the past. One scripture that continually brings me back to reality regarding this is Galatians 6:7, which says “You will always harvest what you plant.” Keep this in mind in all aspects of co-parenting, and that promise will prove itself true.