grief

The End

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Rocky

Posted By Dave

“How did I end up here?” was the question that the voice in my head kept asking. I came home from work to see only my clothes and open space where some of the furniture used to be. Sadness, anger, frustration, it all washed over me. I was like a fighter who had taken a right hook that I didn’t have a chance to brace for. As I crumbled to the canvas, I was pissed and hurt. How does 13 years of marriage, three children and a home together, a life built together, end up here? Sometimes there just isn’t an explanation. Sometimes there just aren’t any answers. Sometimes bad stuff happens to people who tried to do everything right. It doesn’t make any sense.

After the separation began, my boys would go spend the agreed-upon days with their mom. Instantly, a house that was full of the sounds and activity of a young family was as quiet as a funeral home. Appropriately, I felt like I was dying inside. Toys left where they were played with last. Their clothes in the laundry, Capri-Suns in the refrigerator. The TV left on the last channel they watched, the baseball laying in the front yard. I couldn’t wait to talk to them, but despised having to tell them “Good Night” over the phone. I missed them so bad, I felt like someone was using a vacuum to suck the life out of me. I would lay there in bed and be enveloped in the silence. It made me sick to my stomach. It was in those times that I began to experience the love of my heavenly Father like I never had before. I have been a Christian since 1997, yet I discovered during those lonely nights that my faith had never been tested like this. I began to beg God to make His presence known, I was having a real crisis of faith, wondering if all of the stuff I had said about Jesus through the years was really true or if I was just repeating what everyone else was saying.

I know now that it is all true. I can’t explain it in words so that anyone else would understand. I just know because I’ve sensed the presense of my Savior in times when I just wanted to curl up in a ball in the floor. I know because I was broken down and stripped of everything that I held dear, and yet still knew that there was a reason for it. I know because He waited for me to ask Him for forgiveness before He began to reveal His new plan for me. I don’t ask “why?” anymore. That’s because I know the answer. It wasn’t so I could start over. It wasn’t so I could get answers to all of my questions. I’ve learned over time that the specifics don’t matter. Who did what, who said what, who was wrong and who was right, none of it matters. I spent plenty of time being self-righteous about my circumstances, and it still left me empty. The reason I don’t ask why anymore is because every day I live this life completely differently than I did prior to the day my first marriage ended. It is encompassed in this quote from author Ken Gire:

“When suffering shatters the carefully kept vase that is our lives, God stoops to pick up the pieces. But he doesn’t put them back together as a restoration project patterned after our former selves. Instead, he sifts through the rubble and selects some of the shards as raw material for another project – a mosaic that tells the story of redemption.”

The End was The Beginning for me. I made the choice to get up off of the canvas, spit the blood out of my mouth and get back in the fight. The fight for me was to figure out what I did to cause what happened and fix it. I went to counseling for months to open up those places that were in the shadows and bring them into the light. The fight for me was to lead my sons through a traumatic situation. I could not leave them behind as I jumped back in the ring, I had no choice but to be a healthy Dad for them. I fight for them every day, even when they aren’t with me. Someday they are going to have to fight too. It is my job to be their Mickey, to prepare them for the day they are going to step into the ring. Now the fight for me involves my young marriage to a woman who is my Adrian. I refuse to let my past or my enemy win, and that means fighting for what is good and right. Even though my greatest fears were realized, they were also defeated the moment that stopped trying to control what wasn’t mine begin with. Freedom and power are my assets thanks to Who I serve, not who I am.

It all began the day that it ended.

Step By Step

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footprints-in-the-snow

Posted By Hope

It begins with one step. One foot in front of the other. This is what it felt like to start over.

After ten years of marriage, I found myself unpacking in a tiny one bedroom apartment in Charlotte. Not in the nice part of town, but not exactly in the bad part. I used up every bit of fight I had left as I unloaded the trailer with the last of my furniture. The drive out of my old neighborhood was a mixture of loss and hope. As I opened the door of my new place to begin moving all that was left to begin again, I began to run out of strength. It was the last half load that was the hardest. I remember carrying in a box that was heavy and as I carried it through my living room and out onto the patio storage, I began to cry and felt like I couldn’t make one more trip out. As the tears began to fall, I stopped in the doorway and couldn’t fight them anymore. I felt a small whisper tell me to keep going. He said, “Just take one step at a time. Just one step Hope. One step gives way to another and you make your way to that last box.” I made my way through the living room and out to the trailer and picked up more and carried on slowly and with tears. With that last box, I depleted the reserve tank and collapsed into a spent, crying mess. As I sat there recovering on my couch, I realized that I had kept going for another hour, with the strength from one step at a time.

That wasn’t the last time He gave me rest in that concept. There were moments of such loneliness and rejection when I felt so completely lost in my divorce that I questioned if He even remembered me. I cried so often and for so long that it felt like I would always be sad. That the idea of life turning over a new leaf or that cloud having a silver lining was not for me because I had sinned by going through a divorce. For me, the hope of full joy did not apply any longer. That season ended. Thankfully that was not the case. I just needed time. What He taught me in that place was that we prepare for what is next, in the now. He carefully showed me the concept of one step at a time. I didn’t have the strength for more than that during my broken season, so I listened. As I began to heal, I saw that the concept applies to every season. Even when it’s good.

As I face the challenge of doing life as an awkward semi-quasi-partial parent, I apply this principle often. When I get selfish, when I get rejected, when I am overwhelmed and when I just plain don’t want to do this anymore. In my planning, in my waiting, in my hope and in my fear, I recognize that all I have light for is the step I am currently taking. Living like this means that I have no idea where the journey will take me, but I know from experience that I’m not alone and the destination isn’t the part that matters.

Notes From The Sideline

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Posted by Hope

Turf_Field_7_web

It is the last day of work leave for the unexpected hysterectomy that sidelined me. I have very mixed feelings. This time FLEW by! Dave said it would and now, I’m mentally preparing to go back. There are a ton of things I had hoped to accomplish. It’s amazing how distracted we live. But, I have had a great time.

I have learned so much during this period.  I’m also thankful that I’ve discovered areas to focus on improvement within myself in 2015.  A lot can be said for good, honest introspection and the last six weeks have provided plenty of opportunity for that for this gal. There have been so many many many moments that I have hidden in my heart to savor.

Here are some of the biggest recent journey takeaways for me:

  1. Infertility is horrifying.  It is relentless, pervasive, indiscriminate and costly. It damages the home and the heart.  It can bring a couple to their breaking point and can end friendships.  But it can also be the very thing that causes a woman to find her true and God given identity.  I am defined by Jesus Christ alone.
  2. Our lives rarely turn out as we plan them.  That doesn’t diminish the success.  In the creative way our lives are woven, we can end up with a much more beautiful tapestry and a much more beautiful song.
  3. The fear of the unknown usually turns out to be worse than the big thing. When the day arrives, you really are stronger than you realize. And maybe, just maybe, the monster you are afraid of, doesn’t exist.
  4. You learn who your friends are when you are down for the count. The old adage, “To have a friend, you must be a friend” rings very true when doing companionship inventory. The Golden Rule helps out too. Remember this when your friends are down!
  5. A good laugh can pull you through a knothole.  When you’ve cried, pondered, talked and chewed it out….find a way to laugh.
  6. You must be willing and able to make your story/need/surgery/loss public to receive the care and support you need. Had I not revealed the impending surgery and the depth to which my heart would hurt, this time would have passed quietly and who knows how different this recovery process would have been. Regardless of the fear of perceived rejection, there are people who really do care.
  7. You will not have as much down time as you expect.  I still have a long list of projects I thought I would be able to pass my time here at the house checking off. That did not happen. Somehow, I still had a schedule to keep in this time. UGH! Embrace rest.
  8. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Stop when it says stop. There’s a reason you are dizzy, weak or hungry. Lay down when you feel those signals. You will be able to accomplish more than you expect, but don’t over-do it.
    Celebrate the small steps and the good days. You may hurt for a while, but when it doesn’t, celebrate that. Healing is happening.
  9. Do you really need to feel bad? If you’re not sad, don’t look for a reason to be. If you’re feeling fine, enjoy that. You may be walking through a hard time, but if you’re healthy emotionally, count yourself as blessed and carry on with your chin up. There’s no reason to make yourself lament if you’re emotionally well.
  10. Appreciate the sacrifice of those around you that are having to make adjustments to serving you. Notice the little things.
  11. Let people love you. Generosity will show up in unexpected places. Enjoy being loved. Instead of being uncomfortable, suspicious or feeling the obligation to repay….breathe in the gesture and intent and accept the love.
  12. We do not all speak the same language. Everyone responds to life differently. When you encounter someone who seems to belittle, dismiss or even mock your situation, do not harden your heart toward them. Accept that their journey is different from yours and carry on being true to who you are. Heal properly and in a healthy way, free from bitterness.

I feel excitement as I look forward to returning to the routine of my life. I have nuggets in my pocket to face tomorrow with. This has been a defining event in my life and I know I have emerged a changed woman.  Ultimately, it’s up to me to determine how I walk from here.